Tired and tried

[clevermanka]

Melissa Harris-Perry is speaking at the Lied Center tonight and there is a public panel to discuss the events in Ferguson before that at the library. I've been planning to go for weeks.

I had horrid inflammation issues on Sunday. My wrist hurt, my hips hurt, my head hurt, I was vaguely dizzy/nauseated all day and today is not much better. I'm exhausted.

I have no idea if I'm going to be able to drag myself to tonight's events and that makes me angry and sad and also I can't help feeling a bit of a poser because I sure talk a good talk about race issues and such but then I can't even haul my ass out of the house to actually go to events.

This weekend I watched and photographed mckitterick cutting out the floor for the Chevelle's transmission. Last year I was looking forward to doing that myself and having pictures of me being all badass with the grinding wheel. Last night I had to force myself to go out to the garage just to take photos of someone else doing it.

I need to make a change somewhere. I need to find something that's going to help me feel better. I just don't know what it is yet and I'm tired from looking. I'm tired of posting nothing but complaints here. I'm tired of things not helping. I'm tired of feeling like I'm going to cry every time I talk or type about this stuff. I'm tired.

Update: Just found a great comic about chronic/invisible illness on Tumblr. "It’s the wellness that I fake, not the illness."

Comments

[shanmonster.livejournal.com]

I hear you loud and clear on faking the wellness.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

[msmitti.livejournal.com]

The mental toll sounds like it might be as hard as the physical toll. I'm sure it isn't helping matters. I wish I had something to offer, but I don't. I'll be here with virtual hugs though.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Thank you, bb. It really does/is, and sets up a nasty downward spiral.

[the-lucky-nun.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you feel so rotten. That comic really nailed it. I had to go home at noon because of colitis, and while my boss believes me and understands, it's still embarrassing to explain why I need to leave. I really want to go to that lecture, too, but am not sure if I should.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Ugh. Sorry you're having a bad time of it, too.

[renniemom.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry you're struggling. I have no words that can make it better, but can offer this as a distraction:

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

[pointoforigin.livejournal.com]

HNNNNGH . . .

[seascribe.livejournal.com]

Have you had any luck pursuing the Mayo Clinic avenue? I don't have anything to contribute, but I'm here shaking my cheerleader pompoms for you.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

They declined to see me. =(

[seascribe.livejournal.com]

Oh man, bb, I am sorry. *hugs*

[pointoforigin.livejournal.com]

Yes . . . angry and sad sometimes. I hear that. Sometimes I really hate it when people ask me how I am and I start telling them. Then I hear myself and think "Why am I talking about this? I don't want to talk about this. I just want it to go away."

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

[1-rhiannon-1.livejournal.com]

Oh no! :( I really hope that you were well enough to make it out to the events! I can't imagine how difficult it is to deal with invisible illness/chronic illness. For what they're worth, I send you good thoughts and lots of love and hope that you're finding a way to keep on keeping on. <3

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I stayed home, went to bed at 9pm. =/

Gonna make an appointment to see my doctor today to ask about the recent uterine cramps that are a new addition to the usual crap. *sigh*

[the-themiscyran.livejournal.com]

Sorry you're having such a hard time getting anyone to see you that can help. :(

There are some days that I feel "lucky" to only have lupus, even with the faking wellness and exhaustion that leaves me often too tired to do anything creative once I'm home. (Even when that's all I've thought about doing all day.) At least doctors have heard of it.

Virtual hugs.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

exhaustion that leaves me often too tired to do anything creative once I'm home

UGH I HATE THAT. Sympathy fistbump.

[sherwood21.livejournal.com]

You can only do what you can do sometimes. Don't feel guilty because your body only has so much go. Whether you're able to go to an event or not, it doesn't mean you're any less concerned about rights and race and gender issues - it just means you've got to take care of your physical transport.

I'm sorry for everything you're going through, and I completely get how exhausting it is to keep looking, and looking, and looking to try and find things that will help.

*virtual hugs*

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Thanks, bb.

[redheadfae.livejournal.com]

This really bites.

I made it out to a meeting of the Passion Party gals last night and as much as I wanted to hang out with them for a bit after, I had to come home, because I was afraid I would be too tired to drive from KC. Also, the loud house music they decided to end the meeting with did nothing but exhaust me trying to talk over it to the women I did want to see.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

the loud house music they decided to end the meeting with did nothing but exhaust me trying to talk over it

Boo.

[theoneinblue.livejournal.com]

Anyone who actually knows you will not question your commitment to discussing and educating about gender and race issues. You have to take care of yourself, and I'm glad that's what you did. ❤️ and hugs.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Thank you, hon. I wound up not going, but I heard she got a great turnout, so that was a relief.