Sunday Snippet, et. al.

[clevermanka]

Fanart: LGK and Kunlun. BB!SW and ZYL.Chibi Ye Zun and Zhao Yunlan and I wish I could read Korean. Weilan, together always and in all seasons.

Zhu Yilong travels with his electric keyboard and guitar??? *squish* Stills from his birthday livestream. This needs to be a new meme format.

A tabletop RPG based on The Untamed.

Ah, Midwest living at its finest.

Todays Oglaf (NSFW) is DELIGHTFUL.

Someone with the username soecrates left me kudos. 😂

I wrote 1,200 words yesterday on Recostruction/the Deconstruction sequel! It felt amazing. Still having a hard time attaching to ZYL's voice but it'll come, I'm sure. I suppose he's still finding his feet back in Dragon City and (as I mentioned to someone in an email) he's a bit numb at the moment and in no small amount of denial about some things so it's probably not completely inappropriate that his voice is a bit distant at the mo'.

Speaking of finding ones feet/coming to terms with stuff, I've been working through a lot of Feelings About Things lately. Some of them are obviously a result of working through the Pretty Darn Rough couple of years I've had (in addition to the global pandemic and massive social unrest we're all grappling with) . Some of them are a result of my looking a little harder at myself and past relationships. Some, most recently, are from wise words received from people smarter about me in certain topics. It's making me think about how I'd like to see the next few years of my life play out and how I might be able to thrive despite so many setbacks. I don't even know what's actually possible for me to do, from a purely physical standpoint. It's impossible for me to tell right now if I'll be able to stay gainfully employed for any amount of time without debilitating myself (further). But I'm starting to ponder some paths I never would have considered even six months ago, and feeling a little hope on top of it all.

And now, a snippet of yesterday's words, from Reconstruction/the Deconstruction sequel, now titled(🎉🍾😊)! The Price of Redemption:
He turned to meet Shen Wei’s soft gaze, close enough he could see the faint lines of stress and unhappiness the last nine months had put on Shen Wei’s forehead. Zhao Yunlan realized he could probably get rid of those if he put his mind to it. Surely there was something in his understanding of how healing worked to reverse-engineer the aging process. He shuddered, suddenly sick at the idea of Shen Wei’s hair going white. The dumplings they’d enjoyed at lunch rolled uncomfortably in his gut. The lines between Shen Wei’s forehead deepened.

“Yunlan? What’s wrong?”

Zhao Yunlan shook his head and glanced up and down the still empty street.

“Kiss me now,” he said, disengaging his arm from behind the bench to cup Shen Wei’s cheek. “Be here with me now.”

Comments

[kimboo_york]

It's making me think about how I'd like to see the next few years of my life play out and how I might be able to thrive despite so many setbacks.

Ai ai ai, are you me?

My setbacks are more psychological than physical/internal, but nonetheless...my habitual reaction to stress is to retreat entirely from everything, which has hampered my professional writing, my attempt at launching a business, and generally everything. Yet I'm here in this job that, while I appreciate having such a good job, is slowly leeching my soul away.

Well. Not to make it all about ME! ahahah I just mean, I really get how you feel, even if our situations are different.

How WOULD you like to see the next few years go, given the things you can control?

I'll be thinking of my own answer to this, for sure.

[clevermanka]

Probably my biggest realization is that I'm ready to better integrate my satisfaction in caring for people. I'm not capable (physically or emotionally) to provide care in the form of daily assistance to a few people, as a traditional caretaker does in our society. But the thing I loved about being a secretary at KU (and I did, god help me, really love that job) was making a certain group of peoples' lives easier as they navigated the bureaucracies of academia. I'm not cut out to care for a person or really, even a pet--I crave the independence that such things don't allow. But it feeds my soul to care for people. To make their day a little better, a little easier.

It's kind of funny what a lightning bolt this was for me, because this is an aspect of myself I'm quite aware of. But after Charlesia's workshop (seeing so many of my former lambs in the audience) and reading the introduction to one of the books she recommended (brown's Pleasure Activism), I better understand it. My ability to experience pleasure is very much rooted in sharing pleasure. I might be a hedonist, but I derive little joy from indulgence if it's solitary.

If I can consciously connect what I want to do (feel joy) with what I must do (secure an income) in a way that I know I can and will do, the areas of my life that might go unfulfilled (a healthy body, a healthy romantic relationship) will, I think, be less of an emotional burden. I've always avoided "doing what I love" for money because I know from experience that adding a monetary component to creating things (whether that's sewing, arting, or writing), kills my desire to create. Helping people, though, I've done that in some form in every job I've ever had and it's always been my favorite part.

I would love to talk with you about the similar issues you're navigating if you're interested. Phone (or Zoom) maybe? I do better at thinking things through when I'm not exchanging long blocks of text with someone, but if that doesn't work for you, email is fine too.

[shipperslist]

Yay for writing and feelings of hope. 💜💜

[clevermanka]

Such a fantastic combo. 🧡🧡🧡

[goss]

I'm starting to ponder some paths I never would have considered even six months ago, and feeling a little hope on top of it all

Supporting and cheering you on all the way! <333

[clevermanka]

Thank you!

[yaaurens]

Zhu Yilong is adorkable. And if I were travelling and staying places away from home for long periods of time, I would want to take my instruments with me too, so it doesn't surprise me that he does too.

Huzzah for feelings of hope!

[clevermanka]

if I were travelling and staying places away from home for long periods of time, I would want to take my instruments with me too
This makes me ponder...What (other than my meds, phone, and laptop) would I be compelled to take with me if I was away from home for a long period of time?

I can't think of a single thing and I'm not sure how I feel about that. I don't feel bad about it, but I don't feel good about it, either. Hm. Hmm.

[yaaurens]

I think for me, it really depends on how long I would be gone, where I'd be, and what I'd be doing. If I'm settled in one place for a good chunk of time doing something relatively stressful, I'd want my calming things, like my piano and my stuffed elephant (and probably bear and Eeyore). But if I'm moving from place to place every few days? I would probably just bring Eeyore, because he is small and squishy, and packing a keyboard and moving it every few days sounds awful.

(But if I had a team moving me, well.)

I think it's good to not be too attached to things? It's not necessarily a bad or a good thing that you can't think of anything. It just is.

[clevermanka]

Good points, yes, I agree there's good and bad and neutral aspects to being attached to things. I have a tendency to actively avoid attachment, so it's something I try to at least observe when I notice it.

[naye]

Oh, that snippet is giving me feelings. It's - yeah. All too relatable, except of course Zhao Yunlan has a few more tools at his disposal to deal with the issue than most of us.

I am SO EXCITED this fic is happening, Manka! No matter at what pace, though 1200 words in a day is truly something to celebrate.

And thank you for sharing your introspection. I have nothing to add, I just - really appreciated reading that.

[clevermanka]

I'm so happy you like the snippet and yeah, oof. I fear this fic is gonna be even more of an emotional rollercoaster than Deconstruction. Glad you appreciate the introspection, too. I have a feeling there might be a lot more of that happening as my brain/heart come back online.

Zhao Yunlan has a few more tools at his disposal to deal with the issue than most of us.
Also the trauma of worrying one day he might wake up and mistake the husband in his bed for the brother who killed him. 😬

[naye]

I fear this fic is gonna be even more of an emotional rollercoaster than Deconstruction.
I am TERRIFIED/EXCITED!! \o/

[moodsong]

I'm glad you are writing again.

[clevermanka]

It feels so good. GOD.

[nnozomi]

I wrote 1,200 words yesterday on Reconstruction/the Deconstruction sequel!
That's wonderful. (Envy! I am not getting much writing done. Today. Really.) I like the snippet so much, or rather it's well-done enough to be kind of upsetting, as it should be. That sense of "I want to bottle my current happiness so I'll still have a little of it when it's inevitably gone" is way too familiar.

Zhu Yilong travels with his electric keyboard and guitar??? *squish*
I enjoyed his livestream, but the guitar etc. makes me want to tell him, just sit down and play us some music, honey, that way you won't have to struggle to come up with something to say...

But I'm starting to ponder some paths I never would have considered even six months ago, and feeling a little hope on top of it all.
Good to hear. I am in favor of hope, as my username suggests. Keep us posted on where your pondering leads you. ♡

[clevermanka]

it's well-done enough to be kind of upsetting
*fist pump*

just sit down and play us some music, honey, that way you won't have to struggle to come up with something to say...
Oh gosh, yes! Why aren't his handlers suggesting this? Or, idk, maybe they are and he's too shy for that.

Ooooo tell me what your username means! I have no idea and I don't see anything that describes it on your profile page... please enlighten me!

[nnozomi]

Sorry, I didn't mean to be gnomic. "nozomi" is just "hope" in Japanese (with an extra "n" added because it's a common name and the one-n version was already taken). My RL name is another version of "hope" in a different language, so I use variations of it online.

Why aren't his handlers suggesting this? Or, idk, maybe they are and he's too shy for that.
Let's hope they can convince him in the future! 🎶

[clevermanka]

It just now occurred to me I could have googled that, too... 😂

Hope is such a lovely name. I have a friend named Grace, too, and I love it.

[malovich]

Todays Oglaf (NSFW) is DELIGHTFUL.

Suddenly the weirdly common futanari fetish comes into crystal clear focus.

[clevermanka]

Thanks for giving me a word to look up today!

[tinny]

The season chibis are irresistible. <3 Also, thanks for the livestream pics and stills!

The oglaf comic is indeed great. (I love painting figurines. :D)

Oooh, that snippet from Redemption is ooooh. Angsty. Love it. <3

[clevermanka]

Figurine-painters are A Breed, for sure. Mad respect for y'all.

I'm glad you liked the soft angst! Feels good to be able to dig into those emotions again.

[write_out]

I'm starting to ponder some paths I never would have considered even six months ago, and feeling a little hope on top of it all

This makes me super happy for you! That's HUGE. I can't wait to hear more.

Also, YAY FOR WRITING. I'm stoked that the words/energy to share them are coming back for you!

[clevermanka]

It's all very exciting and I'm trying not to get too excited, you know? 😅

[umadoshi]

*shivers at snippet* This is lovely, and also OUCH.

[clevermanka]

Thank you! Lovely and ouch is definitely what I'm going for. 🧡