The myth of love conquers all

[clevermanka]

I read this last week and am just now getting around to posting a link to it. It's good reading. Written with a slight poly slant, but not at all applicable to relationships that only have multiple partners. A lot of it can also be applied to non-romantic friendships.

Thoughts on why some people are good for each other, why some people aren't, and why no, love isn't always all you need.

Thanks to ms_danson for giving me the heads-up on this one.

Comments

[redheadfae.livejournal.com]

Definitely can be applied to striving for self growth, friendships, and even acquaintance circles.

That's a great post.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Really, really super great. One of the best "Thoughts On Relationships" I've ever read.

Wow

[wyckedgood.livejournal.com]

That is so well and beautifully put, I am a little blown away.

[red-tess.livejournal.com]

"Love conquers all" is naive at best, in my experience, a constant excuse for bad behavior. Drives me bats.
Good thinky post!!
Thanks for passing it on. :)

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

I've never believed the notion, either, but neither would I ever have been able to expand on it so eloquently. This tacit person is good with words.

[red-tess.livejournal.com]

Agreed! :)

[fairgoldberry.livejournal.com]

This was a really good article, and hit on something that's been troubling me the last two days. Someone on OKCupid messaged me, leading with his laundry list of 'no' barriers ("You look interesting, and I think we could get along so long as you understand that I won't change for you and, and, and..."), and I have been trying to put my finger on why I was so very very put off by it, more than seemed reasonable.

When you lead with that defensive list carefully constructed to keep you from making a 'bad' decision, you're building a relationship based on what you fear it might be, not what you hope it might be (this works for more than just romantic relationships, too...). You're not looking to find commonality and embrace joy with someone.

I begin to think that most people really don't think about finding relationships of any sort that *add* to their lives, so much as they look for ones that don't threaten the status quo. "Well, if we connect, and they're not X, Y, or Z, then they'll fit into the space I have for people in my life..." and then when not being X, Y, or Z turns out to not be a reasonable basis for a relationship, they get all confused because this person checks off all the tickyboxes *and* I love him so why doesn't it WORK?

Thank you for posting this. It gives me fodder for thinking.

Much love,
Rowan

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Jeebus. o_O

Anyone who introduced him or herself to me with "I think we could get along so long as you understand..." to me would get poke in the eye with a sharp stick.

I mean, really. Really sharp.

most people really don't think about finding relationships of any sort that *add* to their lives

No, they don't. Change is scary! Few people enter into relationships (romantic or otherwise) with the hope that Person X will encourage positive self-examination and a happier life. What most people want is someone who will help them continue their already comfortable (if destructive) tendencies and habits. So what if it didn't work the last (six) times? Hope springs eternal, right?

[saffronhare.livejournal.com]

That is a seriously wonderful piece of work, with so much resonance for my life -- particularly with the failure of my first marriage. Thank you.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

You're welcome!

Here's to good partnerships.

[rougewench.livejournal.com]

Thank you for linking. It is a quality, thought provoking piece, to say the least.


D.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

You're welcome!

[professormass.livejournal.com]

I swear, every time I read one of these articles, I think, "I must be very simple and/or naive." The approach just seems so...complicated. I mean, if you're meeting somewhere and making a laundry list of what they can or can't be, it just seems like an awful lot of work to defend yourself against the possibility of being hurt.

I read that article, and all I think is, "That person must be very afraid."

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

So you don't approach relationships in the same way as someone else. That's cool, but your first reaction isn't "huh, another way to deal with life," it's "wow, that person has something wrong with him."

Seems that a lot of things in your life are Right or Wrong and of course the way you feel is always Right.

People don't like children? They are Wrong! Someone stays in a marriage because it's mentally and physically unhealthy? S/he is Wrong! Then you get angry and resentful when people lash back at you for telling them their opinions are bad or they shouldn't feel a particular way.

if you're meeting somewhere and making a laundry list of what they can or can't be, it just seems like an awful lot of work to defend yourself against the possibility of being hurt.

Interestingly, as I read it, this is exactly what the essay writer was speaking against.

It's becoming increasingly clear to me that we have nothing in common. No hard feelings, Ben, but I think I'm checking out here.

*tips hat*

Adieu.

[professormass.livejournal.com]

I'm the first to admit that my take on life isn't the only one — but you're right, I'm not shy about the value judgements I have made.

I'm sorry I offended you; it wasn't my intention. But I certainly respect your right to decide who you wish to interact with.

No hard feelings on my end, either.

[shrijani.livejournal.com]

Great article, and I agree, universal in application. I would go so far as to say people are not nearly so thoughtful or selective when they are making non-romantic connections, and sometimes, those relationships can have pesky, lingering (if not disastrous) negative effects, too.

There is no such thing as closure (unless you make it from scratch yourself and accept it as valid), and love don't pay the rent.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Agreed, 100%.

Of course.

Abundance Model v. Starvation Model

[http://users.livejournal.com/_luaineach/]

One of the occasions where my thinking patterns really got challenged in this area was when I quit smoking. I had to really realize and re-train myself that it wasn't a case of choosing the negative ... not a case of "oh, now I won't smoke" but a case of "oh, now i'll [whatever it was]". It's strange how that sort of thinking creeps in with something like that. I mean, it's not as if when picking a coffee cup or something in the morning I think "oh, I will not pick that blue one". You don't think that way. You think in terms of the one you *do* choose. Interesting thing to have to work around mentally.