clevermanka | Same old song and dance, without the singing or the dancing

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Same old song and dance, without the singing or the dancing

Acupuncture last night. Kiva worked on my stuffy nose (sooooo much better today) and my back issues, which meant my currently swollen abdomen didn't get addressed at all. So I'm still stuffed uncomfortably into my clothes, and probably will be until my next session on Thursday next week. I'm uncertain what brought on this recent spate of puffiness. It's pretty crazy bad, as those who've seen it in person can attest. Remember the side-by-side swollen vs. normal photos? There have been a couple days in the past week where I've actually been more swollen than that top pic.

I'm thinking the general overall inflammation is not helping the stress on the sciatic nerve and the bulging disc. It's certainly not helping my mood. I'm blue and irritable. Mostly irritable.

When I'm ill or feeling otherwise less-than-myself, I turn a bit...oh, feral in my need to be left the hell alone. As I've mentioned before, the proper response to this desire to be ignored doesn't come naturally to

mckitterick. To make things worse (for both of us), he's in a really good space right now and needs to talk about the amazing progress he's making on multiple projects. Meanwhile, I can't even muster the energy (or sometimes the ability) to carry the damn laundry basket up the stairs. So we're both needing the exact opposite thing from each other and alternately driving each other crazy and hurting each other's feelings. Ugly.

A very kind and compassionate little pixie has offered to help me with the housecleaning, though, so that's an enormous burden off my mind and shoulders. I know I'm not supposed to express gratitude to the fair folk, but I wanted to say in public: Thank You, Little Pixie! You may out yourself if you wish, or stay anonymous. I wasn't sure of your feelings about that, so I leave that disclosure up to you. Another bright spot:

auroraceleste sent me the Katy Perry CD. Bless her heart!

I just went to the back door to feed the squirrels before leaving for work, and there's a dusting of snow on the ground. My favorite.

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I'd hug you, but you want to be ignored. I can do that. ;)

Much obliged. Srsly.

How about now, do you want a hug NOW???

Just kidding.

< This icon is how I was feeling last Thursday. And NO HUGGING.

You can't say No to a sneakyninja lion hug icon.

-runs-

Internet hugs = moderately okay.

Real life hugs will most likely result in fisticuffs.

*solidarity fistbump*

Hahahaha!

You think it's funny now.

I'm feeling very: Waaaah, I need a hug. NO, I DON'T, DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME, OMG. Where are you going? Why are you ignoring me? I'm lonely. Come here? OMFG, WHY ARE YOU ALL UP IN MY FACE, SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Yeah, nice.

*snort*

Poor you. Poor V. At least I'm consistent.

"When I'm ill or feeling otherwise less-than-myself, I turn a bit...oh, feral in my need to be left the hell alone."

YES. This. And it sounds like

orrin &

mckitterick are cut from the same cloth. I don't understand why, when I am most in need of love and care, my instinct is to violently attack anyone who comes near me, but it is. Resisting this urge often creates more stress than I had to start with. 8<

So, yeah. Sympathy.

[HUGS]

P.S. I stand behind my hug only because it is an internet hug, and therefore involves no actual touching.

when I am most in need of love and care, my instinct is to violently attack anyone who comes near me

HA HA HA HA! Yes, yes this exactly. Here's the thing: For me, I know I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself unless I am really, truly incapacitated in which case I will ask for help so in the meantime please just go away and leave me in my peaceable misery.

when I am most in need of love and care, my instinct is to violently attack anyone who comes near me

Ditto.

Here's the thing: For me, I know I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself unless I am really, truly incapacitated in which case I will ask for help so in the meantime please just go away and leave me in my ~~peaceable~~ misery.

Near ditto.

=)

We need to form a club.

And then beat people with it.

Ugh, I am so sorry.

I am glad that cleaning help has been offered. That is almost always a wonderful thing.

For. Real.

Perfect icon is perfect, btw.

Oh, man, that royally sucks.
And why do opposites attract anyway?

why do opposites attract anyway?

I have no idea. I never considered myself a masochist, but my actions seem to indicate otherwise.

Hey now.

XOXO!

Perversity of the universe.

Distant empathy as I live with someone like you in the "leave me alone or die" way.

Hope things get better fast.

I'm relieved to hear about multiple couples with this attitude discrepancy. Who are both still living, and neither partner in jail for assault.

Yup. 14 years. It's not always pretty but somehow we survive. Possibly due to our above average intelligence? (I almost typed that with a straight face.)

Fourteen years is amazing and wonderful. My record is around half that. =)

i'm like annamatic. -hope i spelled that right.

anyhow, hope you get better sooner rather than later, and hey -you got a housecleaning pixie? can i borrow her when you're done?

I'll ask her if she's interested, but that's a l-o-o-o-n-g commute. =)

eanwhile, I can't even muster the energy (or sometimes the ability) to carry the damn laundry basket up the stairs.

I'm leaving you alone so much that I wouldn't even comment on this post! Except that I had to say that cleaning help is the bomb.* Once my doctor was telling me about the huge correlation between chronic back issues and depression and I said no shit, nothing makes you feel more like a useless piece of crap than not even being able to pick up the fucking laundry basket or take clothes outta the washer so, yeah, take help and *ask for it* but otherwise, hole up sister and keep your head space as healthy as possible.

*nowadays I don't even hesitate when someone says "let me know if there is anything I can do" and I say "you can come over for like 30 minutes tomorrow and just get my shit together for me" and it's amazing how much someone else can get done around your house lickity split.

mckitterick tried to talk to me last night about my tendency to hole-up, and how I should try to find a way to get past that because when I'm old and in pain all the time, I'm just going to be a 100% grouchy old lady and I was all hell no, I'm not going to try to be all chipper and lovey when really I want to just chew off my own leg (or someone else's). As you and

tama_grey understand, that just makes things worse, because then I feel like I'm faking it, and how much more depressing is that.

And somehow, I feel that the fake-it-until-you-make-it adage does not apply here.

But.

I can certainly bring myself to ask for practical help. I can ask for physical assistance rather than hugs or affection. *shudder*

This is good and helpful information, thank you.

::nods::

There is a distinct difference between the practical and the emotional, as it relates to letting people give you what they want and actually *getting* what you want, and -- the gods forbid this become a regular occurrence for you as it is for me -- you just need to master navigating that line. In the above-mentioned case of "yeah, come over and clean up for 30 minutes" it probably goes without saying to *you* that that goes along with "and you won't see me while i'm here" because there's no 'oh let me greet you cheerily at the door and make you a cup of tea before you get started!"

Seriously, though, you'd be surprised at how many people are offering hugs or affection because they don't *know* what else to offer - they'd just as gladly do your dishes in silence because their sincere motivation is to make you feel better. Never feel bad about laying how they can do so right straight out on the line. Never.

It's the people who want to make you feel better but only the way the think should make you feel better who are the bastards you gotta watch out for; they'll drain your resources in nuthin' flat!

because then I feel like I'm faking it, and how much more depressing is that.

And it is not just feeling like you *are* faking it, it's feeling as if you *have* to. As if what you are *actually* feeling is invalid so better put a "better" face on it. And why? For *other* people's sensibilities. fuck that shit. If you are a grouchy old lady, then you are a grouchy old lady. Grouchy old ladies generally have support systems and friends, too, just not ones who get off on patting their hands uselessly while looking sympathetic. Being grouchy serves a specific purpose of clearing your den. It would be nice if you could keep your den clear withOUT being grouchy -- because grouchy also takes energy that could be used for healing -- but the fact that one frequently can't says more to me about *other* people's issues than it does the grouch's. (although that last bit is not popular opinion because people like to believe they can get away with any discourtesy in the world in the name of being "nice".)

I'm marking this entry as a memory so I can come back and refer to this excellent advice when I need it.

Edit: And omg, the best 3eanuts for this topic just came up on my feed.

(http://3eanuts.com/post/14564782385)

Edited 2011-12-22 15:42 (UTC)

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Same old song and dance, without the singing or the dancing

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ALL THE SYMPATHY R BELONG TO U!

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Re: ALL THE SYMPATHY R BELONG TO U!

Re: ALL THE SYMPATHY R BELONG TO U!

Re: ALL THE SYMPATHY R BELONG TO U!

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