Tired

[clevermanka]

Oh, friends. I am running out of steam. siro_gravity mentioned a couple days ago that I hadn't been chatty much and indeed, no, I haven't.

The majority of my mental energy has been used in public conversations and private considerations of race and white privilege and it is exhausting. I hold in awe people of color who deal with this shit every god damned minute of every god damned day. You all are amazing. Please have my esteem, sympathy, and respect forever and ever.

One of the posts I want to write soon is about my motivations for being such a vocal proponent for equality and justice for all. I just can't do it justice (heh) right now. I am too tired.



Another factor influencing my exhaustion is the fact that I don't think I fully recovered from spraining my back in July. I took two weeks off, then resumed training, then hurt it again, then went to Comic-Con, and then was gun-shy about returning to activity, and then failed to do active and proper recovery work, and now I'm just a fucking mess, physically.

My inflammation and swelling are horrible, I'm tired all the time, and this month my body decided to resume its old 22 day cycle. I'm mostly sleeping through the night, and when I do wake up I'm able to fall back asleep, but I don't know how well I'm resting because Christ I am so tired. I'm tired nearly from the time I get up until the time I go to bed, with a small afternoon window of energy. In other words, pretty much textbook timing for adrenal fatigue, which I know kicks me into a chronic fatigue spiral.



So I'm looking at another period of clawing my way out of this fucking health hellhole and god damn that is just depressing as hell you guys. It's rough to do it once or twice but I feel like I've been climbing for the past fifteen years. And just when I think "Hey! I'm finally out of the well!" or even "Hey! I can finally grab the bucket!" something knocks me off the edge back down to the bottom.



*cue pity party music*

I was planning to take a week off work for a staycation (seriously my favorite type of vacation I am not lying) sometime this semester but it needs to happen sooner rather than later.

My relief at not doing Renaissance Festival this year cannot be described in words. OH MY GOD YOU GUYS.



So that's where I am right now. I'm already pursuing new strategies, too. I bought a registration? membership? thing? at ph360, an online program that adjusts food and exercise recommendations based on one's changing health. It told me to cut out some of my favorite foods (no cruciferous vegetables, no egg yolks--not even duck eggs, no alcohol, no a lot of other things), but suggested some things I've been avoiding (like butter lettuce and alfalfa sprouts, because they're raw). Since I haven't noticed any improvement in my body's reaction toward the foods I have been eating, I figure why not try incorporating salads more often? And that's been nice, especially with our current weather. I'm also going to attend an open house of a chiropractor/holistic health dude in KC that otterdancing sees. Feel him out to see if he's someone I can work since I think I've about exhausted what Dr. Khosh can do for me.

One step forward, two steps back. But at least I'm not lying down and letting the current carry me the wrong way. Still fighting. I'm having a hard time getting my hands up but I'm still standing.

Comments

[redheadfae.livejournal.com]

Still standing is a good place to be... at least while you're up during the day :)

How's the restorative yoga going? I'm really sorry your back is still being a rebellious little bitch by not responding faster. Stupid injuries. :pat,pat:

When/Where is this open house chiro thingie?

[zitronenhai.livejournal.com]

One step forward, two steps back. But at least I'm not lying down and letting the current carry me the wrong way.

Damn right.

These struggles are disheartening, but we experiment on.

[kalimeg.livejournal.com]

The dog hiding in the cage is probably my favorite gif of all. I have great sympathy for him, and own a similar behavior for use under extreme circumstances.

[sherwood21.livejournal.com]

My mom and I were talking about health issues one day, and I mentioned how impressed I was by you, and by how proactive you are about doing your best for your health. My mom occasionally gets super frustrated by my dad being stubborn about his health, so she pops off "Hmm, maybe I could divorce your father and marry her instead!"

I thought it was howlingly funny, but really wanted to share with you that as tough as all this is, you actually are pretty amazing for everything you do for your health. *hugs*

[the-lucky-nun.livejournal.com]

*rahrah from the sidelines*

[1-rhiannon-1.livejournal.com]

Keep on fighting the good fight! I'm cheering you on! \o/

[splix.livejournal.com]

Keep on keeping on. You're proactive and determined, and that's excellent; I know people who have health issues and they sabotage themselves a lot out of anger and frustration. Health struggles can be so debilitating - I'm sorry you're experiencing discomfort, but I think you're on the best path for yourself.

[seascribe.livejournal.com]

Hey, I am pretty in awe of your ability to keep on fighting that battle with climbing out of the health issues well. And also your ability to have energy left to dedicate to other issues; I don't think I would, I barely do now.

[gansje.livejournal.com]

I meant to comment before on your last post too, so I'll do it here because it still sort of applies to this one: I am incredibly proud to know you. Good for you speaking up and out for human rights -- basic human rights for every person. I am sure you were respectful and your friend was right in his assessment that you spoke sincerely. I have heard so many people who think they're marvelous for supporting [insert race or national heritage here] and everything they say is a bid for adulation. I AM A GREAT AND GLORIOUS PERSON FOR STICKING UP FOR THE DOWNTRODDEN, WHAT, NO! I AM NOT GETTING OFF YOUR FOOT! I once attended a Passover seder at my old synagogue that was meant to center on interfaith dialogue. I had to leave when one of the men leading it stood up, threw his arms wide and said, "My night will not be complete until I've hugged a Muslim here!" Seriously. I know you were SO not like that in any conceivable way.

I'm so, so sorry you're exhausted. xxoo

[shanmonster.livejournal.com]

Maybe you've mentioned it and I've missed it, but have you had a sleep study done?

[alryssa.livejournal.com]

*hugs tight*

I don't know if it's the time of year or we're just both at a sucky point right now. My depression's creeping back up on me again, my apathy is dialed up to 12, and there's no luck on the job hunt in sight. I think I just want to curl up with you and a good movie and pretend the rest of the world doesn't exist for a while.