Tired

[clevermanka]

Oh, friends. I am running out of steam. siro_gravity mentioned a couple days ago that I hadn't been chatty much and indeed, no, I haven't.

The majority of my mental energy has been used in public conversations and private considerations of race and white privilege and it is exhausting. I hold in awe people of color who deal with this shit every god damned minute of every god damned day. You all are amazing. Please have my esteem, sympathy, and respect forever and ever.

One of the posts I want to write soon is about my motivations for being such a vocal proponent for equality and justice for all. I just can't do it justice (heh) right now. I am too tired.



Another factor influencing my exhaustion is the fact that I don't think I fully recovered from spraining my back in July. I took two weeks off, then resumed training, then hurt it again, then went to Comic-Con, and then was gun-shy about returning to activity, and then failed to do active and proper recovery work, and now I'm just a fucking mess, physically.

My inflammation and swelling are horrible, I'm tired all the time, and this month my body decided to resume its old 22 day cycle. I'm mostly sleeping through the night, and when I do wake up I'm able to fall back asleep, but I don't know how well I'm resting because Christ I am so tired. I'm tired nearly from the time I get up until the time I go to bed, with a small afternoon window of energy. In other words, pretty much textbook timing for adrenal fatigue, which I know kicks me into a chronic fatigue spiral.



So I'm looking at another period of clawing my way out of this fucking health hellhole and god damn that is just depressing as hell you guys. It's rough to do it once or twice but I feel like I've been climbing for the past fifteen years. And just when I think "Hey! I'm finally out of the well!" or even "Hey! I can finally grab the bucket!" something knocks me off the edge back down to the bottom.



*cue pity party music*

I was planning to take a week off work for a staycation (seriously my favorite type of vacation I am not lying) sometime this semester but it needs to happen sooner rather than later.

My relief at not doing Renaissance Festival this year cannot be described in words. OH MY GOD YOU GUYS.



So that's where I am right now. I'm already pursuing new strategies, too. I bought a registration? membership? thing? at ph360, an online program that adjusts food and exercise recommendations based on one's changing health. It told me to cut out some of my favorite foods (no cruciferous vegetables, no egg yolks--not even duck eggs, no alcohol, no a lot of other things), but suggested some things I've been avoiding (like butter lettuce and alfalfa sprouts, because they're raw). Since I haven't noticed any improvement in my body's reaction toward the foods I have been eating, I figure why not try incorporating salads more often? And that's been nice, especially with our current weather. I'm also going to attend an open house of a chiropractor/holistic health dude in KC that otterdancing sees. Feel him out to see if he's someone I can work since I think I've about exhausted what Dr. Khosh can do for me.

One step forward, two steps back. But at least I'm not lying down and letting the current carry me the wrong way. Still fighting. I'm having a hard time getting my hands up but I'm still standing.

Comments

[redheadfae.livejournal.com]

Still standing is a good place to be... at least while you're up during the day :)

How's the restorative yoga going? I'm really sorry your back is still being a rebellious little bitch by not responding faster. Stupid injuries. :pat,pat:

When/Where is this open house chiro thingie?

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

It's the second Tuesday every month, so September 9. Wanna come along? Here is his website (http://drjonahyakel.com/).

[redheadfae.livejournal.com]

His website says Tuesday Sept 2 for Sample Night.. is that the same thing?
Unfortunately, I'll still be on last night workdays next week, and probably the 9th as well. :(

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Oh! Wow, thanks for checking for me. I thought it was always the second Tuesday. Revising my calendar now!

I'll report back.

[redheadfae.livejournal.com]

Oh goodie!!

[zitronenhai.livejournal.com]

One step forward, two steps back. But at least I'm not lying down and letting the current carry me the wrong way.

Damn right.

These struggles are disheartening, but we experiment on.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

That is the most awesomely majestic monkey I have ever seen in my life. I'm not a fan of primates but he is so superbly stoic. I love him.

And fuck yes.

[zitronenhai.livejournal.com]

Yes! I find his expression stoic, determined, and somehow empowering... perfect for this conversation.

[kalimeg.livejournal.com]

The dog hiding in the cage is probably my favorite gif of all. I have great sympathy for him, and own a similar behavior for use under extreme circumstances.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

It's the huffy flounce at the end that gets me every time.

[sherwood21.livejournal.com]

My mom and I were talking about health issues one day, and I mentioned how impressed I was by you, and by how proactive you are about doing your best for your health. My mom occasionally gets super frustrated by my dad being stubborn about his health, so she pops off "Hmm, maybe I could divorce your father and marry her instead!"

I thought it was howlingly funny, but really wanted to share with you that as tough as all this is, you actually are pretty amazing for everything you do for your health. *hugs*

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Ha ha ha ha! That's awesome. Give your mom a fistbump for me. And thank you. It means a lot to hear that.

[the-lucky-nun.livejournal.com]

*rahrah from the sidelines*

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

I was going to put a gif of a cheerleader doing a backflip or something but then I found this and I can't not use it.

[the-lucky-nun.livejournal.com]

Completely unrelated--if they ever get this Sherlocked con off the ground, would you go? Sounds like it may be in London, sometime in 2015. I'd go by myself, for sure, but it's always nice to have like-minded company.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

I don't think I'll go to London for a Sherlock con, no. After Season 3 I'm not motivated to go farther than Atlanta for a con (I'm registered to attend 221B Con again in 2015). Moffat's latest trolling comments about S4 don't give me a lot of hope that they're gonna pull things together. I fear he's directing a downward spiral a la Dr. Who.

[the-lucky-nun.livejournal.com]

That's cool, just thought I'd ask. I really hope they don't take the American route and drag this show past its logical end and into a slow freefall of crap subplots.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Nah, I just think they'll make it more racist, sexist, queerbait-y, and incomprehensible.

Upon repeated viewings and online discussion, I'm getting flashbacks to my time watching X-files. Watching the showrunners lose control of the monster they created because they want to be MYSTERIOUS and DARK and shit instead of just writing a decent fucking story.

[1-rhiannon-1.livejournal.com]

Keep on fighting the good fight! I'm cheering you on! \o/

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Woot! I really appreciate my cheering squad. Seriously.

[splix.livejournal.com]

Keep on keeping on. You're proactive and determined, and that's excellent; I know people who have health issues and they sabotage themselves a lot out of anger and frustration. Health struggles can be so debilitating - I'm sorry you're experiencing discomfort, but I think you're on the best path for yourself.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I like to think so, too! And lord knows there's enough in the world to be angry and frustrated with. I don't want to be angry and frustrated with my own body!

[seascribe.livejournal.com]

Hey, I am pretty in awe of your ability to keep on fighting that battle with climbing out of the health issues well. And also your ability to have energy left to dedicate to other issues; I don't think I would, I barely do now.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Aw, thanks hon. Honestly, I could not do this without my support network. My friends (in the flesh and online) are incredibly important and mckitterick is invaluable.

[gansje.livejournal.com]

I meant to comment before on your last post too, so I'll do it here because it still sort of applies to this one: I am incredibly proud to know you. Good for you speaking up and out for human rights -- basic human rights for every person. I am sure you were respectful and your friend was right in his assessment that you spoke sincerely. I have heard so many people who think they're marvelous for supporting [insert race or national heritage here] and everything they say is a bid for adulation. I AM A GREAT AND GLORIOUS PERSON FOR STICKING UP FOR THE DOWNTRODDEN, WHAT, NO! I AM NOT GETTING OFF YOUR FOOT! I once attended a Passover seder at my old synagogue that was meant to center on interfaith dialogue. I had to leave when one of the men leading it stood up, threw his arms wide and said, "My night will not be complete until I've hugged a Muslim here!" Seriously. I know you were SO not like that in any conceivable way.

I'm so, so sorry you're exhausted. xxoo

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

"My night will not be complete until I've hugged a Muslim here!"

[gansje.livejournal.com]

Annnnd this would be why I attend a completely different shul now.

[shanmonster.livejournal.com]

Maybe you've mentioned it and I've missed it, but have you had a sleep study done?

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

You know, I haven't. And I have two local friends who've had them done. Why haven't I considered this? Thank you for mentioning that!

[thetimesink.livejournal.com]

Worth the time/cost/whatever. In-home monitoring is now available; no more spending a night elsewhere (always conducive to relaxing, -not).

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

Super good to know! Thank you!

[shanmonster.livejournal.com]

I hope this is just the ticket....

[alryssa.livejournal.com]

*hugs tight*

I don't know if it's the time of year or we're just both at a sucky point right now. My depression's creeping back up on me again, my apathy is dialed up to 12, and there's no luck on the job hunt in sight. I think I just want to curl up with you and a good movie and pretend the rest of the world doesn't exist for a while.

[clevermanka.livejournal.com]

OH MY GOD THAT SOUNDS SO WONDERFUL YES LET'S