The surprise expenditure was due to the fact that they had Coconut Aminos on sale for a dollar off per bottle and since I use about a bottle of those every other week...Also, stocked up on almond butter because it's one of mckitterick's favorite foods and the man deserves to indulge himself while I'm
When I stopped by the library, I had the energy to get the one book I knew I wanted, but when I looked at the music section my heart and stamina failed. There was no way I was digging through those horribly disorganized and cram-packed racks that you have to take out a whole handful of sleeves to browse them. No, thank you. Maybe someday when I have an entire Saturday afternoon to spare? *sigh* Come on, library. Find a better way to organize your music collection. I wonder if/how I could browse the collection online.
The fact that today is my last day in the office for six weeks doesn't feel real. It's a good thing I spent the week busting my ass to get things done before my departure. My motivation for productivity at this point is low low low low low low low low.
I have enough food prepped and in the freezer for the next two weeks.
The department-issued laptop is (as of 11:50 this morning) doing everything I need it to do.
I've been approved to work from home starting December 14.
The new internet provider connects us Tuesday next week.
I have a house cleaner lined up to come every other week starting December 14.
I still need to:
Set up a (temporary) Netflix account.
Get books and music from the library.
Make one last grocery trip for the things I need for my Sunday prep day before surgery and consolation eating treats for after.
Dehydrate the jerky (currently marinading in the fridge) and make date-nut bars for quick-fix foodstuffs.
Fuck as much as possible before the Sex Hiatus.
I'm just so busy all the time everywhere getting ready for the upcoming surgery and convalescence. I'm a bit more active on Tumblr, if you want to catch me there, but it's mostly just me holding up pictures of things going HEY LOOK THIS IS COOL/PRETTY/SEXY and no original content.
I have Tumblr Tuesday themed collections queued up through January 19. Even though I might not be online as much as usual, those'll be reliable.
Tomorrow morning I get to see one of the KU dorms get blown up. That'll be fun! I'm taking the whole day off so I've got a five-day weekend, aw yiss. I want to do another day of food prep (if I can get six more meals made for the freezer I'll feel like I'm in good shape for the weeks I won't be doing much cooking) and finish my due South Sekrit Santa art piece and enjoy a couple days of weekend before I head back to my last week of work.
I was already sure I'd made the right decision about the hysterectomy but my body decided to prove in no uncertain terms that removal was the way to go. Either that or it's just throwing a hissy fit.
My last period wrapped up on Wednesday last week, but when we were hanging out with friends Friday night, I started cramping something fierce, to the point that I had to go home early. Since then I've been pretty much having a second period, only about twice as bad as a normal period. I wonder if the extra dark blood and clotting was triggered by the biopsy. It's not fun, whatever it is.
Pre-op consultation with my surgeon is this afternoon. I have a big list of questions for her. Ugh. I just want things to be done at this point.
Really looking forward to working on this dSSS piece.
Today's Tumblr collection is Tuesday, November 24: Hamilton. Heads up! This collection was so large I split it into two. The second part will post tomorrow (Wednesday) at 9am CST.
But if nothing else, I wanted to tell people about the amazing Pusifer concert that mckitterick and I saw last night in KC. It was at the Midland which I've somehow missed experiencing until now (so beautiful and the sound quality was top-notch). If you're not familiar with the band, it's one of Maynard James Keenan's projects and (IMO) his best. I'd never seen them, and I'd read a little bit about how Puscifer's concerts are kinda surreal, but I didn't want to be spoiled for anything. I went in with no expectations or anticipations. It was amazing. I just...well. I've mentioned before how much I like music. It's been a while since I saw a concert that so moved me. Next time they tour (please let there be a next time and they play locally), I'm buying tickets as soon as possible so I can be closer and feel comfortable standing, like everyone on the floor seating. I think I'd have wept.
I don't subscribe to the idea of souls. They might exist outside of our physical bodies (anything's possible), but the notion doesn't jibe with my brain. They're a wonderful metaphor and a nice idea, but do I think I have a soul separate from my person that can exist without my body? Not...really. But if I did have a soul, mine would have been slightly outside my body for much of last night's show. The visuals (weird, creepy, silly) pulled on my eyes and the bass (intense, deep) pushed out my heart. I could feel these impossible things happening to my body. I opted to be Not An Asshole and didn't stand up when the people in front of us didn't but oh I was literally on the edge of my seat, pushing/pulling myself closer to the stage.
It was incredible.
I got hit with a tired bat about an hour ago. Ugh. Stupid fatigue. Everything was going so well for...heck, more than a week. Today, though, not so much.
Once in a while I look at my floor (at home, at the office) and I wonder how I have any hair left on my head. Doesn't help that we have white tile ceramic floor at home and I have a black-and-white zebra striped area rug in my office. So gross.
There is nothing else going on, and the only reason I'm posting is I am attempting to cross-post from Dreamwidth. I tried a while back, but DW wouldn't load for me at the office so I gave up. But am trying again. I have a few people following me on DW who aren't on LJ and so maybe this will better expand my non-Tumblr network of internet acquaintances.
What a fucking boring post for the DW people. Sorry, folks, I'm usually more interesting than this.
Speaking of, my estimated recovery time has been moved up a few days since my surgery got moved from December 10 to December 7. I'm pleased to get it done sooner rather than later, and I think doing my pre-surgery prep stuff on a day I don't have to work will be easier (clear liquids only all day, ugh), but still...that's three fewer days to get stuff done. Thank goodness I've got the long holiday weekend. Five days of Getting Shit Done since I'm taking Wednesday off as well (mostly to watch this happen, but the extra day of productivity will be good, too).
I am so glad it's Friday. Tonight is Relax-O-Fun time with mckitterick, but the rest of the weekend is GSD time, including a Saturday morning trip to Costco since I won't be making that trip again until well after the new year. Anyone need toilet paper? Work on my dSSS piece will happen Saturday afternoon or Sunday (if I'm not feeling inspired/energetic after running Saturday errands). I cut out the major source images and arranged them on the bristol board last night. I'm already happy with the way it's shaping up.
Looky there, 9am and time for my first walkabout of the day.
Title: You'll Be Back (from Hamilton by Lin-Manuel Miranda, sung by Jonathan Groff)
Fandom: BBC Sherlock
Characters and/or pairings: Sherlock/Moriarty
Warnings, kinks & contents: Slash, canonical violence
Notes: I blame shadowfireflame, who first said "hey, have you heard about Hamilton"? and clevermanka, who followed up with, "I love this song, check it out". After two listens I thought: a) "this song is awesome" and b) "this is totally a Sheriarty vid, isn't it?". And so it came to pass :)
Summary: The madness of King Jim.
Also at: youtube / tumblr / AO3.
Massive amounts of food prep (two or three weeks of food prep at least) because takeout is not an option and I don't trust anyone else to cook for me, including mckitterick. Sorry, bb, it's not you, it's me. Literally, it's me.
due South Sekrit Santa art piece. I have the base images picked and printed, so that's, like, 2% of the work done.
File FMLA paperwork and make arrangements for doing some work from home. Already started this, at least. Sent the requested forms to the hospital as soon as I hung up the phone with the scheduling nurse.
Physical therapy exercises and walking every damn day. Every Day. I'm gonna be on my ass for two weeks at least. I need to start that at a higher physical level than I am now.
I have one sewing commission that shouldn't take too long and I'd really like to do it for her, but that's taking lowest priority.
That seems like such a short list, and in a long-ago time I could probably have wrapped all that up in a long weekend. Maybe the hysterectomy is the jump-start my body needs to get back to those energy levels.
I called in sick with cramps yesterday. Spent pretty much the entire day in bed. I told mckitterick it was a practice run for surgery recovery. Also a nice confirmation that yeah I think I'm doing the right thing by getting this organ removed. I'm still not happy about it, but I feel better about the decision, anyway. Oh! I spoke with Dr. Khosh about the upcoming surgery and he was very supportive and said he felt this was probably the best decision, too. I was kind of surprised at that, not even a suggestion of trying a non-invasive solution to the fibroids. Good to have my health care practitioners support my decisions!
Gotta catch up on the stuff I didn't get done yesterday, so back to work.
Last night I picked up my new $330 bite guard. My old retainer (really old, over fifteen years old) finally broke last month so I decided to opt for a bite guard since it'll do the same thing and minimize the damage from night grinding. Win/Win! I slept in it last night and I love it! It's so...comforting. It feels much safer(?) than the retainer. Like it's cradling my teeth. I'm very happy with it.
Locals, d'you know Liberty Hall is hosting a screening of Galaxy Quest Sunday night? We're going.
Saturday I'm giving a massage (and some emotional support) to a friend in desperate need. Her life's been rough the past few weeks. Sunday is the usual 8 hour laundry/errands/food prep job. But tonight I'm looking forward to a few hours of sloth, and hedonism with mckitterick. And since I have an appointment at 4:00 today (meeting with Dr. Khosh to discuss post-surgery treatment/support methods), I have only six more hours in the office today.
When the breast tech (I made that term up just now and I love it) handed me my stuff (paperwork, weird cape-thing for modesty), she included two little round stickers and said to put those on my nipples. I have to say I was pretty disappointed that nobody told me I got cute little nipple stickers for this. Mine were zebra-striped (zebra! striped!) and had the teensiest little metal balls in the center. I assume this is to show the location of the nipple on the scan? Whatever. They were adorable and I was tempted to take a photo of my boobs with their teensiest-pasties-ever.
When it was over and I was getting dressed, I was hit with a much more serious disappointment because not only did nobody tell me about the existence of these things, nobody told me how much they hurt to peel off. I'm talking mother fucking ouch peeling those things hurt like duct tape. My nipples were still sore the next day.
WHAT THE FUCK, BREAST-HAVING PEOPLE. Why didn't anyone give me a heads-up about those?
Although maybe those stickers aren't common because the two people I mentioned them to yesterday had never used them. So maybe I was just lucky.
This cemetery yard is fantastic.
Errands, food prep, laundry, and seasonal wardrobe switcheroo happened on Saturday (locals are welcome for the couple days of beautiful weather since my summer clothes are packed away now--seriously, this happens every time), as well as the bachelorette party for my BFFs. I did it all on about 5 hours of sleep. Then Sunday (with four hours of sleep, even with the time-change extra hour) I attended the wedding. Ceremony only lasted about thirty minutes (yay!) but the socializing lasted six hours. It was great, don't get me wrong. I don't get to see these people very often. But wow am I tired. I got zero couch time over the weekend.
I nearly cried this morning (stinging eyes, hitch at back of throat) from how much I didn't want to come to work today. I'm so fucking tired and my spoon count is running perilously low.
Nearly halfway done with today, though. Nearly halfway.
Tomorrow I get my first mammogram. Good times.
Remember how I mentioned how much King George's song(s) reminded me of King Herod's Song in JC Superstar? athenaartemis sent me a clip from Hamilton's casting call in an email:
Seeking: Male, ages 30-49, Caucasian
King George: the King of England, entitled, pouty nihilist. Sees the American Colonies as a deluded former lover, who will come crawling back. Rufus Wainwright meets King Herod in JCS; British accent, tenor.
Our Hamilton tickets arrived in the mail yesterday, btw. If you've got nothing going on today, check out the #ParksandHam tag on Twitter.
For the first time in a long time I am not doing anything Halloween-ish for Halloween. There's just too much going on for me right now, mentally, emotionally, and physically and I am just so glad I'm not dressing up or hosting a party. I suppose I could be depressed about that, but honestly I'm just relieved.
Are you doing anything for Halloween?
This morning I was lying in bed, checking in with my body. I do it every morning. It's my pre-flight check to make sure nothing is so wrong that I might not make it through the workday. I...have never typed that out before, and now that I've done the equivalent of saying it aloud, I realize how bizarre it is. Who does shit like that? Me, I guess. Anyway. I was checking in and made myself aware of the near-constant slight abdominal pressure I've known about for a long time (at least a year, perhaps more). I always thought it was gas or something not sitting right or maybe I just needed to pee. It felt like menstrual cramps, but surely I wouldn't have menstrual cramps if I wasn't at that part of my cycle, right? Lying there this morning, I realized/admitted to myself, that's probably the giant fibroid. Gross.
I don't often have regrets, but I am very much regretting not wearing tights under my skirt today. I am freezing. I've got a lot going on this weekend, but hauling out the winter wardrobe on Saturday is a must. I don't have a record of when I switched out wardrobes last year, but I think this might be a record for lateness thereof. Hurray for boots, sweaters, and tights! I am not a fan of cold weather, but I least I enjoy cold weather fashion.
Here's a job I would've been really good at, y'all. But that would also mean living in a big city, so...no. Ah well! Last night at Henna Time I sold hdsqrl and radiantmephit on Hamilton, and that was great. I also started following Lin-Manuel Miranda on Twitter because he is fucking hilarious and I'm starting to develop such a crush on him.
This has been in my head all week so I'm sharing it with you, too. God damn I love this song so much.
I am looking at just a basic hysterectomy. I would get to keep my ovaries.
Editing this post to add that the main overwhelming reason I am resistant to a hysterectomy is I have (have always had) spectacular orgasms with penetrative sex. Like, really great, mind-blowing orgasms. I have okay orgasms with other types of stimulation, but they absolutely don't compare to the orgasms I have with PIV sex and I'm pretty sure the Great Orgasms are largely due to the uterine wall contractions I experience with PIV orgasms. I know I will lose those with a hysterectomy (obviously), but maybe there's something else I'll have instead?
So yeah, that's how important those are. I am making a decision that will affect my health for the rest of my life based on how it's going to affect my sex life.
Anonymous commenting is on, so people who might come over here to comment from Tumblr can do so, and also if you're more comfortable commenting that way, go for it. I've screened the anon comments, is all, so they won't show up right away.
My online activity is going to be sporadic today (I'm catching up on three days of missed work, and I have a two-hour meeting this morning) so I might be slow to respond, but I value everyone's input.
Not only that, but the information from a live blood analysis I got on Friday keeps getting obscured and overwhelmed by the more immediate impact of Monday's discoveries at my consultation with the OBGYN surgeon about my fibroids.
This could be a very disjointed post.
Facts, as presented to me by the microbiologist who did my live blood analysis on Friday: I have Rouleaux, which is a blood condition where my red blood cells link themselves together (in my case, tightly stacked horizontally in long chains--like candy necklaces) and (in my case) form weblike structures. As you might imagine, this causes some basic problems. Like the inability of oxygen to easily travel around in the blood. Other issues showed up in the analysis, but the Rouleax is the big one, and is probably the first domino. Symtoms of Rouleaux are things like constant immune reactions, increased allergic responses, and fatigue. Causes of Rouleaux can be...tumors.
Which brings us to--
Facts, as presented to me by the OBGYN surgeon on Monday: The fibroid Dr. Harris found is much larger than I thought/understood. It's as big as my uterus and has basically taken over the entire back muscle of the organ. It is inoperable and cannot be removed. There is another, smaller fibroid and a polyp in my cervical canal. This might be operable, but the removal would be superfluous in light of the presence of the other, larger fibroid. I think we can all make the connection to that fibryod cyst (a type of tumor) to my painful and heavy periods. But can I make a connection between it and my autoimmune disease (and everything that has gone along with that)? Maybe. I'm using this as my own way to understand, so just come along for the ride with me, here, and tell me if you think I'm off-base.
My current thoughts on how I got here:
Hormonal birth control fucked me up. Studies are showing that HBC takes a serious toll on one's body, especially the adrenals. I believe it. I never had serious health problems or even environmental allergies until I was in my late to mid-20s. I mean, I was kind of frail, but I was active and high energy, if not athletic. I realize allergic developments in one's twenties is a fairly common thing, but you can't deny there's allergies and then there's my allergies. Anyway. I know the pill made me literally and immediately sick because the last several months I took them (nearly two years) were a constant search for a brand/dosage that didn't give me morning sickness. I'd been on them for years (nearly a dozen) before I finally gave up and started taking DepoProvera shots. All it takes is looking at a calendar to point to the fact that my thyroid issues started up right around the same time I started getting Depo shots. I point to HBC (the pills and the shots) as the thing that jump-started my autoimmune problems (allergies) and thyroid/endocrine issues (glandular stresses). I believe hormonal birth control is largely responsible, if not the number one direct cause, of my health issues today. Guess what the OBGYN surgeon told me was the only other option for dealing with fibroids like this, apart from a hysterectomy? Hormonal birth control.
I am faced with the choice of removing an organ that I very much do not want to remove, or put into my body (for basically the rest of my life, or until I remove the organ) what probably caused 90% of my daily health problems today.
I am taking both these items of information (yeah, both—see, you forgot about the Rouleaux business too, there, didn’t ya?) to Drs. Khosh and Jonah, but I need to make my decision within three weeks or I’m screwed insurance-wise. Anyway, I can’t imagine any herbal treatment that actually shrink and remove cysts. If I’m wrong on that, pipe up in the comments, but I want solid research and reviewed reports, not hippie websites.
Whew. I feel better. Not good. I don’t feel like I just got punched in the stomach, at least. It makes it more real, but it also makes it a little easier.
Yesterday, when I was dealing with the emotional fallout from the surgeon’s report (as well as the physical discomfort from having a fucking uterine biopsy), I had no idea how I was going to write about this. I even groaned to mckitterick, I have to write about this. He told me I’d feel better afterward, and I have to admit I scoffed. A little. But now that I’ve written it out, now that I have my language for it, it is easier to process. He was right. I can’t emotionally process something without appropriate language. I guess it comes as no surprise that communicating basic facts about my situation is the best way for me to emotionally process it (Vulcan 4lyfe).
So here we are at a new stage of Finnegan Begin Again. This time, it's a physical crisis coupled with emotional growth! My favorite.