The Devil You Know

I just realized with some new people following me here (thank you Guardian fandom y'all are gr8!) I should maybe put up a little intro post?

( Putting this under a cut... )

This week's Link Dump on cm.net.

Still short on images for most of my themes, but I had enough for another due South one! I don't remember how many collections I've made for due South, but here's my tag for due South with 85 pages of posts.

Saw Dr. Sexy on Tuesday. T3 counts have been not looking great, so we're trying a compounded T4+T3 pill. All my sex hormones have apparently plummeted as well (that would help explain the missing libido) so we're going to try some of those, applied topically. Tomorrow I go to Kansas City to test for biotoxins and hormone disrupters (bc apparently those must be done in a lab). We know I have some of both thanks to that Visual Contrast Sensitivity Test, but this will tell us which ones they are so we can figure out what we might be able to do about them.

Fun news, though! An acquaintance of the Burgomaster invested heavily in this company and the Burgomaster bought some of their products on his recommendation. I've been taking them (the sublingual powder form) for about six weeks and my blood results showed a massive improvement in some-or-the-other cell function which is critically tied to NAD (which this stuff supports). Dr. Sexy was pretty convinced that improvement was due to my taking the supplement. Also, he remarked on my improved Omega 3 numbers and said the fish oil supplements must be helping. I told him I stopped taking them a while ago and switched to just eating a lot of canned sardines. So that's apparently working, and doesn't contribute (as heavily) to over-fishing issues (and is better absorbed, anyway).

It's been around five years (I think) since coffee showed up as a no-go on my food allergy/sensitivity panel. So I haven't done more than just smell it since. Since I've successfully reincorporated a lot of other foods in the past year, I thought I'd give decaf a try (caffeine will always be on my Extremely Limited in Small Amounts list). It was decaf, and it was reheated, but dogs it was delicious. Alas, two hours later my abdomen was swollen as fuck and it's still a little bloated. No pain or other GI distress, just an additional four inches or so around my waist all day. So that answers that. Apparently some food sensitivities are still with me (hurray for being able to reincorporate blueberries, cranberries, mushrooms, and most cruciferous vegetables).

I planned to have a hermit weekend but turns out I'll be socializing on Sunday with one of our profs (my faculty BFF) and our department's student assistant who is graduating after working for us for four years. She's leaving for grad school and this might be the last time the three of us get to hang out before she takes off. *weeps* It's a rough thing about making friends with students. It's good when they leave (that's what's supposed to happen anyway), but it's still sad.

Had another 3am wake-up this morning. mckitterick  keeps trying to make suggestions about things to do and (I think) gets frustrated with my continued refrain of "There Is Probably No Solution To This It Just Needs To Be Survived." I feel like he thinks that's me being defeatist, but I don't know a single person who has hit menopause and still sleeps eight hours seven nights a week. Nothing is going to help with hormone fluctuations and that's just life.

doc_paradise posted a link to this article about chronic, passive suicidal ideation. Obviously you shouldn't read this article if you're barely holding on these days, but as doc_paradise said, "I haven't seen many posts talking about this but I think it is something worth talking about."

I replied to the post:

I haven't wanted to be alive for about...three years? maybe a little longer? I vacillate between Actively Hoping for Death and Merely Wishing To Not Be Alive. My best days are the ones where I'm not disappointed that I woke up that morning--the ones where I have only a sense of mild annoyance that I'm still here, still (barely) functioning.

And I know this isn't going to change unless my health improves significantly. Improves to a point that I honestly can't even see from here.

I won't kill myself--I know how sad and pissed off my friends would be and I will never put them through that unless things get so so SO much worse than they are.

But as far as being excited to be alive, not having that feeling of "gosh wouldn't it be great to just not wake up in the morning" no, I don't even remember how that feels.

And it's not something I think about unless it's pointed out to me. It's just my life. *shrug*

Keep on keeping on. Chop wood, carry water.

I don't say this to garner sympathy or encouragement or anything (in fact, please...just don't). It's very nice of people to say those things, and it might make you feel better, but it doesn't help me (it actually kind of annoys me). I know I'm awesome, I know I'm smart, and I know I'm valuable. None of those things make me more interested in my slog of an existence. Someday that might change. It might not. And, in my experience, very little of that change is under my control.

I say this for the other people who live in this same, sad ocean. Those of us who've been treading water for so long we've stopped watching for a raft. We might be tired, we might be salty, but we're here and we're not alone.

I'm still on my Guardian shit, y'all, sorry, and I don't seen an end coming anytime soon. Don't feel bad for scrolling past if you're not in this with me. I don't blame you. I really gotta make the time to go through the Friending post on the sid_guardian comm so I don't feel like I'm boring 90% of the people who follow me here with Yet More Guardian. Until then, I gotta keep getting this stuff off my chest, so.

jo_lasalle (whom I just added to my circle so hello! if you dropped by to see what I'm about) posted a lovely post-canon playlist for the show. Nice timing on that, because this weekend a couple songs jumped out at me as being very appropriate for Weilan (the Shen Wei/Zhao Yunlan portmanteau for any non-Guardian people still reading at this point, bless you). Kesha's Finding You and Jonas Brothers Sucker. Bonus for the use of "sucker."

So yes, this show is still eating me alive. Things are to the point where I actually wrote one of our visiting scholars from China this morning: 

This question is coming out of nowhere, so apologies if I’m being rude—are you familiar with the Chinese drama Guardian? I watched it on the recommendation of a friend* and finished it last week. I was just curious if you’d watched it or even heard of it. I realize this is the same as asking an American if they’ve watched a random American television show just because they’re both American, but I got the impression Guardian was fairly popular (it was released last year) and thought it couldn’t hurt to ask if you’d seen it (and liked it).

*btw, thanks, mekare, thanks A LOT (no seriously, thank you, but shakes tiny fist)

She wrote back almost instantly that she had! And she liked it! And to let her know if I'd like to talk about it!

And then I (not even kidding y'all there is something Wrong With Me I mean not like that is news but still) actually teared up a tiny bit? Because apparently my emotional reserves are still way too fucking fragile and oh my god when will my general health return from the war?

I'm real tired of being ten seconds and a hangnail away from tears at any given moment. Don't even talk to me about the latest episodes of Queer Eye which are made Extra Poignant what with their being in Kansas City this season. I am seriously concerned about holding it together for the episode when they're Actually In Lawrence Fucking Kansas.

Today's Link Dump on cm.net.

Art by Chiara Bautista

I took yesterday off work (and off a lot of social media as well) so I forgot to post yesterday's collection. Tuesday, March 26: Elsewhere.

I have always dreamed that Elsewhere is a place I could get to. Oz, Narnia, Anywhere But Here. Kid me would walk around looking for the door that would lead me somewhere better than this. To be honest, I still watch for one

I had an early morning blood draw appointment today. The world looked super fuzzy but I figured I'd just slept on my side and squished my right eye (which is my weaker eye anyway). I got all the way to my doctor's office before I realized the right lens of my new glasses had fallen out. HA HA HA HA! Fortunately, the Burgomaster found it by my bed so I was able to pop it back in when I got home.

I introduced one of my last Danger Foods on Monday with no ill effects. Welcome back to my life, Brussels Sprouts! I missed you! Now the only food I miss that I haven't been able to successfully reintroduce (other than things that are permanently off-limits) is cauliflower. But the Brussels Sprouts success gives me hope that cauliflower can happen eventually. Maybe next month if I'm feeling brave.

Energy levels are starting to get back to where they were before the Indianapolis trip for Nana's funeral. I'm going to make another attempt at regular yoga sessions (three to five times weekly) maybe next week or the first week of April. I'm loathe to attempt introductions too early these days after so many false starts. Positive thinking has never been my friend.

I just realized that's eight weeks of recovery for a weekend trip (which might have been emotionally taxing but not physically stressful at all). Yeesh. Let's not think about that too much.

Does anybody here reading me watch Terrace House?