Mental

The good news is I'm not depressed--at least not as much--and I think that's thanks to the 5HTP, which is now no longer bothering my stomach at all. I take it on my low-food days and I'm fine. The bad news is I am touchy, irritable, and easily set off. We're talking PMS-level anger issues, so yeah. Good times. I'm attributing that to the Cipro. Hey, only three more weeks on it! Yay!

I'm making every effort to stay calm and think about what I'm saying and doing before letting my temper flare. After a nasty and pointless spat yesterday afternoon with mckitterick (sorry, hon), I realized that I'm letting myself behave in a manner I would find unacceptable in other people. I don't tolerate this sort of thing from others, and I'm not going to stand for myself behaving like spoiled, self-centered brat. Just because I feel put upon and attacked doesn't mean those feelings are valid or helpful or anything other than interfering/faulty levels of various stuff in my system. My brain chemistry is simply messed up right now, and the person who is behaving the worst towards me is myself. I am going to take ten seconds to remember that next time I feel pissed off. Which will probably happen in the next fifteen minutes...

Mental issues and food: I've always had a love/hate relationship with food and I don't see that changing soon, no matter what good habits I might develop, or bad habits I might indulge. I fear I will never internalize the concept of Eating To Live. Food is a pleasure to me. It's something to be enjoyed and savored. Eating is a social activity and a solitary comfort. It's difficult for me to eat food that is not pleasurable to eat. After several days of plain (or only lightly-seasoned) meat and leafy greens, those things are not at all pleasurable. I want to stop eating. I would rather go hungry than eat a pallid, bland chicken breast. Of course, not eating isn't a good alternative either, so I choke down a meal--contrary to the way I was raised (learning not to eat if you aren't hungry is a major thing when you're fat kid). After a while of forcing myself to eat things that make me unhappy, I binge.

Now let me clarify about binging. Our current social climate of despicable eating habits and appalling food choices might not agree, but for me, eating a locally-made bread and high-quality cheese is a binge. No Doritos or Oreos, thanks. Gimme Wheatfields and Brie. I like that about myself--that I don't care for overly processed foods anymore--but it means that when I want to improve my health or lose weight, there's just not a lot of room for change/improvement in my food intake (and since I'm not giving up coffee or booze, so you can just stop right there with that thought). And believe me, my body reacts just as poorly to that loaf of bread as someone else's body might react to a bag of Chips Ahoy and a quart of whole milk.

I need to figure out how to live with a restricted diet (even for a short amount of time) without taking two steps back every time I reach my breaking point. I can't wrap my brain around the idea of no longer viewing food as a pleasure. How do I get there? Hypnosis, maybe?

EDIT: I just had a thought. Why is it so much easier to force myself into exercise habits than eating habits? Hmm.