Are we live?

Ooof.

So I sent the first draft of Original Novel to beta... a month? three weeks? a while ago. She got back to me with very helpful feedback. The problems weren't a surprise (plot, always my weak spot), and her suggestions for fixing them are entirely do-able. If I had sufficient brain to do them. I'm still struggling with fatigue fallout from putting in the four and a half months of daily writing which sucks for a number of reasons. The most troublesome one is I've been unable to start on the revisions or engage creatively with anything--even low-stakes stuff in my painting sketchbook. I've been able to write a few Patreon posts, but have to rest extra on those days.

I'm allowing myself to rest, trying not to stress about the unrelenting exhaustion, but it's rough. It's especially difficult when most nights it takes me over an hour to fall asleep. I'm not sure if that's from lingering adrenal imbalance or anxiety from not! getting! anything! done! or a mixture of both. Probably both. Whatever it is, it's annoying and draining.

The worst part of all of this is I don't know how to recharge. I've struggled with this for quite a while now. I used to get an energy boost from social engagement, but extended conversations wear me out, especially if they're in person. Chronic loneliness causes crushing depression, though, which also wears me out. It's a frustrating catch-22 and I haven't figured out how to work around it. I miss talking to people! I love talking to people! But when I'm done talking with people I have to lie down!

A delightful three-hour in-person visit with a local friend knocked me down (further down) for two entire days. What's an extrovert supposed to do with that? Ugh.

I want to move more. I'm having problems getting up off the floor without using my hands. I don't like that, but all the strengthening movements I would have done at one point make me lightheaded and a little nauseated. Even air squats (even air squats onto a surface so I don't have to worry about failing at the bottom) are too much. It's difficult for me to get excited about doing basic glute bridges several times a day, but I think that's what I'm going to have to do. I try not to wallow in pointless grief about "but I used to do CrossFit!" It's hard, though. I miss that sort of movement. Even when I was the weakest, slowest person there it didn't matter because I wasn't in competition with anyone else. I felt good about what I was doing with my body and it was amazing.

So yeah. Haven't felt like updating here. But I probably should, for my own records if nothing else.

Good things, though: Someone is paying me to go through her Twitter archives, grabbing seven years of photos and anecdotes of her kids and pasting them into a document in a sort of scrapbook separate from her other posts. Someone else hired me to edit two tarot-related research projects, one of which he hopes to have professionally published and the other he plans to independently print and distribute. I have to take it easy on the archive project since working on it more than two hours a day every other day results in lingering wrist pain, but there's no rush since I'm working with a downloaded archive. The editing job is dependent on when the author gets me the material, but he already paid up front.

I've also developed an obsession with Harvey Guillén, even though I haven't watched more than two minutes of What We Do in the Shadows. I don't even feel bad or awkward about my obsession with these young(er) men anymore. Who cares, life is both too short and too long, and I mean, look at this delightful creature:

(click image for full size glory)

He simply radiates the invitation to be properly adored.

So. Who else is here these days and how are you?