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I've been in a bad headspace since Sunday. Angry, depressed, bitter, you name it. I don't like the way my body feels, I don't like the way I feel inside my body, and I don't like the way my body looks. It's a trifecta of self-hate.
This is largely (not completely, but largely) hormonally-driven, and I realize that (thanks, antibiotics!). However, that doesn't make it any less real. It's hard and it's exhausting and it's beyond frustrating to eat so clean and exercise so hard, yet achieve only miniscule results that disappear in two weeks of missed gym attendance thanks to that respiratory infection.
I see all these body positive blog posts about accepting my body, but can I be honest? I HATE MY BODY RIGHT NOW. I hate it because it's sick all the time. I mean, even when I'm not ill, I'm still sick. That will never go away. And friends, I don't often call a pity party, but that fucking sucks.
I hate that so many of my problems (allergies, food sensitivities, eating disorders, cortisol problems, I could go on but I won't) can be traced to deficiencies of bad science and societal influence (being fed solely on formula as an infant, not getting my tonsils out, starve-and-binge behavior from childhood through my teen years, a lack of information about how hormonal birth control was affecting me, undiagnosed immune disease that led to chronic fatigue, I could go on but I won't). I want to cry and scream "I shouldn't have to deal with this. This is not my fault. THIS IS NOT FAIR."
I want to start over. I want to tell my rapidly chubbifying seven-year-old-self to push harder when asking Mom for dance lessons, and there are exercise options other than organized sports*. I want to tell my grandmother that she must find a way to show her love other than sneaking me entire bags of miniature Reese's Peanut Butter cups after bedtime. I want to tell everyone involved in my healthcare from 1995 to 2002 to stop looking at my lab results and start looking at me.
Of course, I can't do any of that. The only Starting Over I can do is Start Over from today. And while that is liberating in some respects, it is exhausting. It's especially exhausting when one has Started Over at least three times in the last twelve months. And I'm staring at Starting Over again right now because Monday's WOD absolutely killed me. There was no way I could do today's WOD, so even though I very much wanted to get back to the MWF CrossFit thing, I knew I couldn't. Two 400m runs, a bout with the prowler, and tire flips? HahahahaNO.
How many times can I Start Over before my starter switch gives out? I guess I just have to make sure that I can Start Over just one time more than I Stop Functioning.
I was talking with one of the graduate students this week about autoimmune disease (his girlfriend has one) and how you can't lie down. You can't stop. You can (sometimes must) sit down to rest once in a while, but if you lie down and give up, it's all over. I might never get better, but if I lie down I know for sure I'll only get worse. That's quite a motivation, for sure, but it's a negative motivator.
I could really use some internally-sourced positive motivators right now. I'm sure this post will generate a lot of "You look greats!" "You are strong and amazings!" or stuff like that, and I appreciate those, I do. But those are external things, coming from people other than myself. I want to find something in my own brain, something that comes from my own emotions or intellect, to get me going. I just have no idea what that might be, or even where to look.
*Not that my parents would have had a clue how to encourage me in such things but check out this amazing ten-year-old power lifter. Watch the videos linked at the article. She is amazing.
This is largely (not completely, but largely) hormonally-driven, and I realize that (thanks, antibiotics!). However, that doesn't make it any less real. It's hard and it's exhausting and it's beyond frustrating to eat so clean and exercise so hard, yet achieve only miniscule results that disappear in two weeks of missed gym attendance thanks to that respiratory infection.
I see all these body positive blog posts about accepting my body, but can I be honest? I HATE MY BODY RIGHT NOW. I hate it because it's sick all the time. I mean, even when I'm not ill, I'm still sick. That will never go away. And friends, I don't often call a pity party, but that fucking sucks.
I hate that so many of my problems (allergies, food sensitivities, eating disorders, cortisol problems, I could go on but I won't) can be traced to deficiencies of bad science and societal influence (being fed solely on formula as an infant, not getting my tonsils out, starve-and-binge behavior from childhood through my teen years, a lack of information about how hormonal birth control was affecting me, undiagnosed immune disease that led to chronic fatigue, I could go on but I won't). I want to cry and scream "I shouldn't have to deal with this. This is not my fault. THIS IS NOT FAIR."
I want to start over. I want to tell my rapidly chubbifying seven-year-old-self to push harder when asking Mom for dance lessons, and there are exercise options other than organized sports*. I want to tell my grandmother that she must find a way to show her love other than sneaking me entire bags of miniature Reese's Peanut Butter cups after bedtime. I want to tell everyone involved in my healthcare from 1995 to 2002 to stop looking at my lab results and start looking at me.
Of course, I can't do any of that. The only Starting Over I can do is Start Over from today. And while that is liberating in some respects, it is exhausting. It's especially exhausting when one has Started Over at least three times in the last twelve months. And I'm staring at Starting Over again right now because Monday's WOD absolutely killed me. There was no way I could do today's WOD, so even though I very much wanted to get back to the MWF CrossFit thing, I knew I couldn't. Two 400m runs, a bout with the prowler, and tire flips? HahahahaNO.
How many times can I Start Over before my starter switch gives out? I guess I just have to make sure that I can Start Over just one time more than I Stop Functioning.
I was talking with one of the graduate students this week about autoimmune disease (his girlfriend has one) and how you can't lie down. You can't stop. You can (sometimes must) sit down to rest once in a while, but if you lie down and give up, it's all over. I might never get better, but if I lie down I know for sure I'll only get worse. That's quite a motivation, for sure, but it's a negative motivator.
I could really use some internally-sourced positive motivators right now. I'm sure this post will generate a lot of "You look greats!" "You are strong and amazings!" or stuff like that, and I appreciate those, I do. But those are external things, coming from people other than myself. I want to find something in my own brain, something that comes from my own emotions or intellect, to get me going. I just have no idea what that might be, or even where to look.
*Not that my parents would have had a clue how to encourage me in such things but check out this amazing ten-year-old power lifter. Watch the videos linked at the article. She is amazing.