Let me clear my throat

mckitterick and I had a good follow-up discussion to yesterday's post about the difference between not caring what people think of you and behaving like an asshole. There is a huge difference between those two things, and it's unfortunately true that people confuse them.

We all know that person who uses honesty as an excuse to say rude things. I believe that this person is failing at being a successful adult. Yes, s/he may do things despite what people think of him/her, but one cannot function successfully in our society if one behaves like a jerk all the time to everyone--even if that behavior is exhibited under the banner of "being honest."

Conveniently, Nerd Fitness has a blog post about social interaction today. Very timely. Check it out.

Behaving in a socially appropriate manner is a skill. A very very very important skill. Yes, I could still do my job if I said everything I thought to every person with whom I work. But making less-than-pleasant comments to people about their abilities or personalities would be a detriment to my effectiveness as a secretary. To be competent at my job, I must take into consideration my behavior in the environment. This has nothing to do with wanting people to like me and everything to do with ensuring that people respect me for being competent and appropriate.

Carried to an extreme, this can also be considered manipulation--giving people what they want to hear in order to get something from them in return. And no, I don't think it's always a bad thing to manipulate people to get what you want or need from them in order to do your job effectively. Very few people don't use subtle manipulative techniques on our friends, family, and co-workers to get what we want.

If you need something from that person working in accounting, you spend an extra five minutes asking her about her grandkids. If you want the barista to make your coffee with care (and maybe an extra dollop of cream), you compliment her on her hair. Yes, this is "being nice," but it's also a way of gaming the system in your favor--manipulation.

Rude people who don't bother with social filters or niceties are rarely respected, no matter how good they might be at their job. There is some forgiveness for this sort of thing in the artistic world, but even then those people are few and far between and need to be very effective at their craft for people to overlook bad behavior.

So there's a quick clarification on that topic before I dive back into applications processing.