![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Crisis of confidence
Jun. 8th, 2014 02:06 pmI'm having a crisis. I don't know if I can/should continue with this SCD experiment. Yeah, it's only been a week, but:
While my morning waist measurement has decreased (by an inch and a half), my end-of-the-day (post eating) measurement is still up by two to two and a half inches every day. I realize that my guts are probably pretty damaged, but for comparison? Last Sunday (the first day of the Intro phase), I was only swelling one inch around the waist. So even though I'm eating less food, I'm swelling more.
Speaking of eating less, I'm barely getting 1,000 calories a day (if that), because it takes a better person than me to choke down more than a cup or two of pureed vegetables in a day (if you're curious, there are about 125 calories per cup of mashed carrots).
My energy levels are so low that today I knew I had a choice of making food for the week for![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
mckitterick or go for a walk. I made the food because ONE of us needs to be eating well (I might be regretting that choice right now but never mind that). Last week I preemptively canceled today's session with Andrew. The only exercise I've done in the past seven days is one morning walk and then walking home from work. I think I might have walked to work one day? But usually mckitterick is awake to give me a scooter ride up the hill. Oh, and I managed to practice my pieces for Raqs Boheme for about fifteen minutes one evening.
The energy levels are a huge problem. I could deal with the excruciatingly limited food and food choices if 1. I didn't feel like hammered shit all the time, 2. I wasn't concerned that this could be re-launching my adrenal issues (not to mention my disordered eating issues), and 3. I believed this was helping.
I don't know that I can continue with this, suffering these low energy levels, if I'm not convinced of an eventual positive result. I'm going to have devastating effects on my strength gains, not to mention the crushing fatigue on a daily basis. Looking slightly toward the future, am I going to be able to enjoy my (once-in-a-lifetime) trip to Comic-Con if I'm tired from the time I wake up until the time I go to sleep?
Oh, and let's talk about my sleep. It's not good. I'm waking up frequently and have a hard time returning to sleep. Again. A lot of the time I wake up at 2am absolutely starving. Then when I finally get out of bed at 7am I can't face the food available to me.
I know, I know that I could do this if I just had some confidence that this was working. Would work. Would help. Would solve my abdominal swelling issues. I could deal with the thought of re-doing all that hard work to beat my chronic fatigue. I could resign myself to starting from scratch again on my lifts. I could do anything (and I'm serious, I mean I could do fucking anything) if I knew that it would solve the problem. But I don't.
And honestly I don't think I've got it in me to continue to slog along under this current program, not knowing that it will help. Not knowing if I'm hurting myself more than helping myself. And now I gotta wrap this up because I think I'm gonna start crying in about thirty seconds and I fucking hate to cry, so.
Fuck.
While my morning waist measurement has decreased (by an inch and a half), my end-of-the-day (post eating) measurement is still up by two to two and a half inches every day. I realize that my guts are probably pretty damaged, but for comparison? Last Sunday (the first day of the Intro phase), I was only swelling one inch around the waist. So even though I'm eating less food, I'm swelling more.
Speaking of eating less, I'm barely getting 1,000 calories a day (if that), because it takes a better person than me to choke down more than a cup or two of pureed vegetables in a day (if you're curious, there are about 125 calories per cup of mashed carrots).
My energy levels are so low that today I knew I had a choice of making food for the week for
mckitterick or go for a walk. I made the food because ONE of us needs to be eating well (I might be regretting that choice right now but never mind that). Last week I preemptively canceled today's session with Andrew. The only exercise I've done in the past seven days is one morning walk and then walking home from work. I think I might have walked to work one day? But usually mckitterick is awake to give me a scooter ride up the hill. Oh, and I managed to practice my pieces for Raqs Boheme for about fifteen minutes one evening.The energy levels are a huge problem. I could deal with the excruciatingly limited food and food choices if 1. I didn't feel like hammered shit all the time, 2. I wasn't concerned that this could be re-launching my adrenal issues (not to mention my disordered eating issues), and 3. I believed this was helping.
I don't know that I can continue with this, suffering these low energy levels, if I'm not convinced of an eventual positive result. I'm going to have devastating effects on my strength gains, not to mention the crushing fatigue on a daily basis. Looking slightly toward the future, am I going to be able to enjoy my (once-in-a-lifetime) trip to Comic-Con if I'm tired from the time I wake up until the time I go to sleep?
Oh, and let's talk about my sleep. It's not good. I'm waking up frequently and have a hard time returning to sleep. Again. A lot of the time I wake up at 2am absolutely starving. Then when I finally get out of bed at 7am I can't face the food available to me.
I know, I know that I could do this if I just had some confidence that this was working. Would work. Would help. Would solve my abdominal swelling issues. I could deal with the thought of re-doing all that hard work to beat my chronic fatigue. I could resign myself to starting from scratch again on my lifts. I could do anything (and I'm serious, I mean I could do fucking anything) if I knew that it would solve the problem. But I don't.
And honestly I don't think I've got it in me to continue to slog along under this current program, not knowing that it will help. Not knowing if I'm hurting myself more than helping myself. And now I gotta wrap this up because I think I'm gonna start crying in about thirty seconds and I fucking hate to cry, so.
Fuck.