The Devil You Know

Not likely to be, anyway, so let's at least know that's off the table. The news is super shitty, though, and it's taken me over 24 hours to get to the point where I feel like I can put any of this into writing. Not only do I lack the language to communicate this (more on that later), but I know that the act of communication, makes the situation more real to me, thus putting me in the predicament of being even more inarticulate with my emotions.

Not only that, but the information from a live blood analysis I got on Friday keeps getting obscured and overwhelmed by the more immediate impact of Monday's discoveries at my consultation with the OBGYN surgeon about my fibroids.

This could be a very disjointed post.

Facts, as presented to me by the microbiologist who did my live blood analysis on Friday: I have Rouleaux, which is a blood condition where my red blood cells link themselves together (in my case, tightly stacked horizontally in long chains--like candy necklaces) and (in my case) form weblike structures. As you might imagine, this causes some basic problems. Like the inability of oxygen to easily travel around in the blood. Other issues showed up in the analysis, but the Rouleax is the big one, and is probably the first domino. Symtoms of Rouleaux are things like constant immune reactions, increased allergic responses, and fatigue. Causes of Rouleaux can be...tumors.

Which brings us to--

Facts, as presented to me by the OBGYN surgeon on Monday: The fibroid Dr. Harris found is much larger than I thought/understood. It's as big as my uterus and has basically taken over the entire back muscle of the organ. It is inoperable and cannot be removed. There is another, smaller fibroid and a polyp in my cervical canal. This might be operable, but the removal would be superfluous in light of the presence of the other, larger fibroid. I think we can all make the connection to that fibryod cyst (a type of tumor) to my painful and heavy periods. But can I make a connection between it and my autoimmune disease (and everything that has gone along with that)? Maybe. I'm using this as my own way to understand, so just come along for the ride with me, here, and tell me if you think I'm off-base.

My current thoughts on how I got here:

Hormonal birth control fucked me up. Studies are showing that HBC takes a serious toll on one's body, especially the adrenals. I believe it. I never had serious health problems or even environmental allergies until I was in my late to mid-20s. I mean, I was kind of frail, but I was active and high energy, if not athletic. I realize allergic developments in one's twenties is a fairly common thing, but you can't deny there's allergies and then there's my allergies. Anyway. I know the pill made me literally and immediately sick because the last several months I took them (nearly two years) were a constant search for a brand/dosage that didn't give me morning sickness. I'd been on them for years (nearly a dozen) before I finally gave up and started taking DepoProvera shots. All it takes is looking at a calendar to point to the fact that my thyroid issues started up right around the same time I started getting Depo shots. I point to HBC (the pills and the shots) as the thing that jump-started my autoimmune problems (allergies) and thyroid/endocrine issues (glandular stresses). I believe hormonal birth control is largely responsible, if not the number one direct cause, of my health issues today. Guess what the OBGYN surgeon told me was the only other option for dealing with fibroids like this, apart from a hysterectomy? Hormonal birth control.

I am faced with the choice of removing an organ that I very much do not want to remove, or put into my body (for basically the rest of my life, or until I remove the organ) what probably caused 90% of my daily health problems today.

I am taking both these items of information (yeah, both—see, you forgot about the Rouleaux business too, there, didn’t ya?) to Drs. Khosh and Jonah, but I need to make my decision within three weeks or I’m screwed insurance-wise. Anyway, I can’t imagine any herbal treatment that actually shrink and remove cysts. If I’m wrong on that, pipe up in the comments, but I want solid research and reviewed reports, not hippie websites.

Whew. I feel better. Not good. I don’t feel like I just got punched in the stomach, at least. It makes it more real, but it also makes it a little easier.

Yesterday, when I was dealing with the emotional fallout from the surgeon’s report (as well as the physical discomfort from having a fucking uterine biopsy), I had no idea how I was going to write about this. I even groaned to mckitterick, I have to write about this. He told me I’d feel better afterward, and I have to admit I scoffed. A little. But now that I’ve written it out, now that I have my language for it, it is easier to process. He was right. I can’t emotionally process something without appropriate language. I guess it comes as no surprise that communicating basic facts about my situation is the best way for me to emotionally process it (Vulcan 4lyfe).

So here we are at a new stage of Finnegan Begin Again. This time, it's a physical crisis coupled with emotional growth! My favorite.

Reasons to get down. Reasons to jump around.

I'm on week four of tracking my energy levels. It's been an interesting experiment. I don't know if my increasing energy is actually increasing, or if I'm able to better notice that I have more good days (than I thought?) by recording them, or a combination, or maybe the journaling has forced me to have a better attitude, or or or ...but things have improved.



So that encouraging! I still have low days, but I'm gonna have low days and that's just life. I'm considering decreasing or ceasing my sessions and supplements from Dr. Jonah for a couple months to see how I feel. That would be a lot of money (and time). The few weeks I've taken off from driving to KC every week has, perhaps, helped my energy level increase. The hormonal supplements from Dr. Khosh will remain very much in my daily use, though. I've seen what happens when I go off those and it's not fun.

I leave for Indianapolis tonight to visit the folks for a few days, so I won't be around much until Sunday. Ciao, bellas.

I actually, literally, honestly, started crying at my desk.

mckitterick totally wins Best Partner Ever forever.

Once upon a time, I did Things. Lots of Things. redheadfae once remarked that I was the busiest person she knew. I did yoga, bellydance, went to concerts, socialized/partied--all in a week's work! My planner (I've always had a planner) was filled with activities and events. I always had something going on. I loved it.

Last night I got home from work, ate dinner, and was so worn out that even though I didn't want to sit in front of the television for the rest of the night, that's what I did because I had no energy for anything else. I wanted to do some yoga god damn it, but I couldn't do strength poses (low energy + strengthening poses = bad combo) and I'm on a no-forward-bends diet right now because last week I indulged in some restorative forward bends and fucked up my right SI joint/sciatic nerve again.



mckitterick was a doll, though, and listened to the first disc of Hamilton with me. He enjoyed it but I'm not sure how tonight's experience of Disc 2 is going to go. Act two is just kind of a train wreck, emotionally. Alexander Hamilton, man, you made some really bad life choices.

For your reading pleasure, today, I give you from today's Toast Link Roundup this charming story about an antique dildo and some great real life ghost stories.

mckitterick and I had a great conversation about ghosts after we saw Crimson Peak. He posited that ghosts might just be things/beings/energy that we cannot see/perceive because they're so far from our spectrum of visibility. Rather like dark matter. All around us, but unknowable. I am unsure if that's a comforting thought or an unsettling one. Maybe a little bit of both?

I easily admit that I'm not convinced that ghosts (insert your own concept of unknown manifestations of energy here) aren't real. I'm pretty sure I lived with one in the house on Tennessee. It would regularly hide my birth control pills and other things. Occasionally it would pour water in the middle of the kitchen floor. And the back of the house always had a creepy vibe (both the downstairs back, which was the mudroom that led to the basement and my almost-outdoor back bathroom and the upstairs back, which had a window that looked onto the alley and a door that led to the attic).

Who's got their own personal ghost story to share?

Oh! And today Tumblr is Tuesday, October 20: Creepy Buildings.

mckitterick and I saw Crimson Peak yesterday. I have a lot to say about it, but there's a ton of shit I gotta do today (food prep, laundry, housecleaning since we lost our housecleaner GOD DAMN IT, and with a bit of luck and timing, getting laid again because holy fuck Crimson Peak you guys).

For now, I'll just say if you like old school (and I mean old school) gothic romance, creepy-ass shit, and drop-dead gorgeous cinematography, get your ass to a theater for this one.

Ugh. I had a post written up, but apparently I'd written (and then tried to save it) in the window for an entry I'd been using as storage for several links but then I marked it deleted in a different window and... post gone, links gone.

Blast.

Sooooo this is what you're getting today.

Today's Tumblr collection is Tuesday, October 13: Skulls.

Today's Tumblr collection is Tuesday, October 6: Decay.

I have some content/updates, but I gotta wrap up some job-related things first. Hope to talk with y'all this afternoon.

Here's an amazing helpful insight into how to talk to MDs about your health issues. I don't know how much this would have helped me when I was searching for help, seeing as how standard western medical treatment of my eventual diagnosis doesn't differ from the standard western medical treatment for my misdiagnosis back when I was relying on standard western medicine (standard western medicine can generally go fuck itself), but I'm certainly going to try this if/when I have future problems unrelated to Hashimoto's disease.

In the Paleo world (I still use the term Paleo to describe how I eat even though I know it's not accurate and sometimes Paleo people are assholes and sanctimonious but so are Feminists and Vegetarians and anyone else who belongs to a group larger than one person) there's a certain amount of...disdain? disapproval? of sweeteners. Which I completely understand. They can set off addiction cravings--even the "natural" ones like honey. Or stevia. But you know what? I'm not allergic to stevia (like I am a billion other things) and a few drops in my morning tea don't set off cravings for me, so I'm having the fucking stevia in my morning tea. Until I'm convinced that those ten or so drops, total, spread over my two cups of tea a day, are hindering my health goals? FUCK YOUR RULES.

The change in price on my bloomers meant I sold six of them yesterday. Six sales! That's more than I've had total this year. The goal of the store was to help me decrease my (enormous) stash of quilting and novelty cottons. Maybe I should keep this price? It means I wouldn't be compensated 100% for materials, but hell, some of these fabrics I purchased over ten years ago. Does it really matter that I get full price for the materials? I'm a vocal proponent of not doing things for free and always getting paid what you're worth, but if marking them ten dollars less per pair is better helping me achieve the goal of getting this stuff out of my house? Might be worth sacrificing my principles a bit. Any thoughts?

I've been awake for two hours, mousing around the house to keep from waking mckitterick, but now I am starving and out of things to do quietly. Wake up, mckitterick! I know you've had a super-rough week with not enough sleep and too many obligations but COME ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.

Monday was another crushingly-tired day. It was bad enough that I resolved to start tracking my fatigue (again, and for real this time). Here's my scale:

1 - Non-functional. Call in sick to work. Nothing is happening today.
2 - Barely functional. Distracting brain fog, difficulty moving limbs. Capable of completing only the minimum of activities.
3 - Functional. Fatigued, but able to do one or two things after work (for example, make dinner and watch a movie). This is my version of normal.
4 - Above functional. Can get through the workday and participate in an evening activity that requires physical movement (make dinner and then sew, do yoga, or attend an event outside the house).
5 - Energetic. Able to maintain enthusiasm for job tasks and excited to do something mentally or physically engaging after work.

Monday was a 2, bordering on a 1. Yesterday was a 3. Today's back to 2. Other than Friday's experiment with the Berocca supplement, I don't remember the last time I experienced a 5. Being depressed about that doesn't help, though, so...