Clever Manka is dressed and undressed

I'm touching up my roots today. They are (or seem to be) surprisingly long for three-week's worth of growth. Perhaps my thyroid issues really aren't getting worse. Perhaps this time they're just not affecting my hair. Yet. Who knows. Bah. This stuff is so hard (and by "hard," I mean "impossible") to figure out.

There are no patterns. At least none that I can figure out, and I've been dealing with this stuff for nearly a decade. Not all of it at once, maybe, but waves come and go with no patterns.

My world--how I understand and deal with the world--is based entirely on patterns. I watch someone's behavior over a period of time to determine how I want to interact with that person (or if I interact with the person at all). I observe how a system works (KU bureaucracy, local organizations), and approach that system in way that best uses the system for my needs and the needs of those I'm helping.

Very rarely, if ever, do I react to something or someone based only on emotion or a gut instinct. When I do have an emotional response, it's a good bet that my emotions are based on the circumstances of previous experiences--observed patterns.

This disease of mine has (these diseases have?) the remarkable ability to produce symptoms with no noticeable patterns. At least none I've found yet. Dealing with something that makes me tired anyway, as a basic result of its effect on my endocrine system, is doubly exhausting because I have no mental/psychological means to deal with it. Occasionally, I can (must) tell myself that the situation is not logical, cannot be figured out, and must simply be endured. People with invisible chronic illnesses--illnesses that aren't always recognized or treated by modern western medicine--must reconcile ourselves to the fact that we simply cannot spend our entire lives trying to get well. At times, we just have to live, and put the getting-well stuff aside.

Just living is crucial. But so is dealing with the illness. Trying to find ways to live with it, live better. And for me, that means knowing not just how to respond, but how to behave in a proactive manner. For me, that requires finding patterns. Unfortunately, I have found very few of them.

I put my health experiences here, public, unfiltered, for a few different reasons. The most important for me is to show that living with an illness is not shameful. It's frustrating, and sometimes a blow to one's vanity, but it is not a cause for embarrassment. The second reason is that by being honest and (I hope) occasionally amusing about my difficulties, I might inspire other people to fight, or at least come to terms with, their own illnesses. And finally, I post my experiences because maybe someone else might pick up on a pattern someday and share an idea. "Have you noticed this?" "You had that same experience doing that twice before." "This issue came up last year around this time."

Maybe someone else will help me find some patterns.

Today is the first day of my vacation!

I got up, did my first day of Tacfit Warrior (No Intensity Day, what a lovely way to start the program!), then shoveled the sidewalk. Two hours later, you can't tell I shoveled, but that's four inches of snow I don't have to shovel later today. I'd much rather do that sort of thing incrementally. My back appreciates it.

One of the interesting aspects of Tacfit Warrior is the split emphasis between physical and mental goals. Yes, it's crucial to move your body with purpose and effort, but it's equally important to have a purpose for movement--and that purpose is divided into three goals: Career, Personal, and Physical. Career can be modified for one's own situation, so I'm thinking of it more as Intellectual. The idea of "career" has never appealed to me. I have a "job" and I like it that way. So. Intellectual it is.

Here are my goals: Intellectual: Read one horror or horror-related book a month, take notes on it, discuss it with others if possible, and finish the month feeling like I own that book in my brain. This might require reading it twice. Personal: I considered the idea of making sure I spent at least one day/afternoon/evening a week with a friend/friends to insure against hermiting so much, but then I remembered m_stiefvater's post that I linked, below, and remembered that goals based on the participation of others is not so smart. Instead, I chose journaling at least twice a month as my personal goal. One journal entry in my life journal and one entry in my fitness journal would be ideal, but I'm not going to force that. If I want to make two entries in one journal during a particular month, so be it. But I shall finish the year with twenty-four journal entries. Physical: My physical goal remains the same as it has been for years. I want to do at least one unassisted pull-up or chin-up. I'm not sure how Tacfit will distribute strength between my arms and back, so I'm leaving that open. And really, I'll take either. I'm not picky.

During the program today, I spent most of my mental energy making sure I was doing the movements right. That's probably just as well since at the last minute I traded out my Personal Goal for something that is less reliant on other people's participation.

The radio just told me that there is a winter weather advisory warning for KC today. I think my planned excursion to Overland Park with bestill might get postponed. That's disappointing, but I'm the most hesitant person I know when it comes to driving on icky roads. I won't do it, myself (I did it enough when I was commuting), and I am not that great of a passenger, either. But it's only 9:20, so perhaps things will clear up by afternoon. *crossing fingers*

One thing I know I'm going to do today: Make a Fitness Journal entry about starting Tacfit Warrior! I wonder if I have any empty composition books lying around. It would be great to art up the cover of one of those for horror note-taking.