The Devil You Know

I decided over the weekend that I was going to drink a cup of tea. Real tea. Black tea. English Breakfast Tea. The only reason I stopped drinking tea was the high fluoride content (fluoride being an endocrine disrupter). But I decided I would let myself indulge in the occasional cup of tea (maybe one on Sunday mornings) because my thyroid itself is not a problem--it's the autoimmune disease attacking it. So. I had a cuppa on Sunday and noticed no ill effects. WIN.

Another experiment: Cantaloupe. For years I thought I was allergic to it due to a pretty severe reaction after eating it (itching throat that lasted for hours). When I was at the grocery store last time, I noticed a half cantaloupe in the produce section. It looked beautiful and delicious and I thought "What's the worst that can happen? Trip to the ER? Eh." I brought it home and ate the entire half (it was pretty small) all by myself. No reaction. FUCKING WIN.

I got my thyroid numbers from last week's test.

July blood results:
Free T4: .8 (range .8 to 1.8)
Free T3: 56 (range 76-181)
TSH: 1.83 (range .4 to 4.5)
TPO: 299(should be less than 35)

For reference:
April blood results:
Free T4: .8 (range .8 to 1.8)
Free T3: 2.3 (range 2.3 to 4.2)
TSH: 6.14 (range .4 to 4.5)
TPO: 381 (should be less than 35)

May blood results:
Free T4: 1.0 (range .8 to 1.8)
Free T3: 79 (range 76-181; different test range)
TSH: 2.24 (range .4 to 4.5)
TPO: 347 (should be less than 35)

June blood results:
Free T4: .9 (range .8 to 1.8)
Free T3: 67 (range 76-181)
TSH: 2.5 (range .4 to 4.5)
TPO: 332 (should be less than 35)

All my numbers are dropping, which is kind of not great, IMO. I was worried about the T3 dipping below range, but Dr. Khosh is more interested in getting the TPO number down, which it's doing quite consistently. So we're continuing the current thyroid treatment.

I shall never read or hear this poem the same way again:


My session with Andrew on Sunday was good, but knocked me out. We tried a short(ish) metcon at the end and I won't be doing that again soon. It knocked me out for the rest of the day (there's a reason we went to go see a movie Sunday afternoon--I wasn't up for anything else), and I was pretty fatigued Monday, too. This morning I couldn't get out of bed in time for my Activity Time, so I'll be doing that when I get home. No more metcons for a while. Which a bummer. I was wondering when I might be able to resume CrossFit sessions and the answer to that is Not Anytime Soon, Sister.

For this week's Tuesday Tumblr Collection I present Tuesday, July 9: Vices, part 2. This collection includes some actual poetry written by yours truly, so enjoy the extra special sauce.

As I walked into Wescoe Hall this morning, the smell of the (horrible, cheap) coffee brewed every morning by the Philosophy department hit me. And I had a moment of overwhelming grief that literally (yes, literally) stopped me in my tracks.

God damn I miss coffee.

And then what was the first article I saw on the Breaking Muscle Blog this morning? This one.



It's not even the caffeine, although I do miss that little burst of energy. It's the smell and the taste and the feel in my mouth. Nothing can substitute for coffee. Nothing. And I miss it. A lot. When I was six years old, coffee-flavored ice cream was my favorite. Coffee was a near-lifetime love of mine. I never had to acquire a taste for it. I loved it the first time I tried it. Stupid allergies. I hate them.

Today's Tumblr collection is a little unusual. It's a mixed bag of text posts, a couple gifs, and one vid that are all related to a subject near-and-dear to me. Tuesday, April 16: Fandom.

Two more weekends of faire, and we can wrap KCRF 2013 2012 (apparently it's still 2012) in a bag.

Tomorrow's projected high for Bonner Springs: 54 degrees and cloudy. *sigh* Not as cold as 2009, when it was in the forties. Damn, that was miserable.

I have the fantastic body stocking that tama_grey loaned me, but I won't make as much in tips if I'm wearing a body stocking. Also, I'm worried about dollar bills causing snags, etc. Tonight I'm touching up my roots (good god they're nearly an inch long), so will be stuck in my house for six hours. I'll spend some time digging through my old faire stuff to see if I still have any of those foot warmer things to stick in the toes of my boots. Too bad I don't have access out there to a water dispenser that has a hot water reservoir.

At least the cold weather gives me an opportunity to wear my awesome leather cap!

I am still tired tired tired. I'm pretty convinced this is more allergy- than adrenal-related. We're talking serious snoreway here, and it never lets up or cycles through the day like my cortisol-affected fatigue does.

Kiva put in some ear tacks yesterday on adrenal points, so I have four pretty gold studs in each ear for the next several days. Fun!

I'm going to do a WITL for real starting on Sunday.

I've been in a bad headspace since Sunday. Angry, depressed, bitter, you name it. I don't like the way my body feels, I don't like the way I feel inside my body, and I don't like the way my body looks. It's a trifecta of self-hate.

This is largely (not completely, but largely) hormonally-driven, and I realize that (thanks, antibiotics!). However, that doesn't make it any less real. It's hard and it's exhausting and it's beyond frustrating to eat so clean and exercise so hard, yet achieve only miniscule results that disappear in two weeks of missed gym attendance thanks to that respiratory infection.

I see all these body positive blog posts about accepting my body, but can I be honest? I HATE MY BODY RIGHT NOW. I hate it because it's sick all the time. I mean, even when I'm not ill, I'm still sick. That will never go away. And friends, I don't often call a pity party, but that fucking sucks.

I hate that so many of my problems (allergies, food sensitivities, eating disorders, cortisol problems, I could go on but I won't) can be traced to deficiencies of bad science and societal influence (being fed solely on formula as an infant, not getting my tonsils out, starve-and-binge behavior from childhood through my teen years, a lack of information about how hormonal birth control was affecting me, undiagnosed immune disease that led to chronic fatigue, I could go on but I won't). I want to cry and scream "I shouldn't have to deal with this. This is not my fault. THIS IS NOT FAIR."

I want to start over. I want to tell my rapidly chubbifying seven-year-old-self to push harder when asking Mom for dance lessons, and there are exercise options other than organized sports*. I want to tell my grandmother that she must find a way to show her love other than sneaking me entire bags of miniature Reese's Peanut Butter cups after bedtime. I want to tell everyone involved in my healthcare from 1995 to 2002 to stop looking at my lab results and start looking at me.

Of course, I can't do any of that. The only Starting Over I can do is Start Over from today. And while that is liberating in some respects, it is exhausting. It's especially exhausting when one has Started Over at least three times in the last twelve months. And I'm staring at Starting Over again right now because Monday's WOD absolutely killed me. There was no way I could do today's WOD, so even though I very much wanted to get back to the MWF CrossFit thing, I knew I couldn't. Two 400m runs, a bout with the prowler, and tire flips? HahahahaNO.

How many times can I Start Over before my starter switch gives out? I guess I just have to make sure that I can Start Over just one time more than I Stop Functioning.

I was talking with one of the graduate students this week about autoimmune disease (his girlfriend has one) and how you can't lie down. You can't stop. You can (sometimes must) sit down to rest once in a while, but if you lie down and give up, it's all over. I might never get better, but if I lie down I know for sure I'll only get worse. That's quite a motivation, for sure, but it's a negative motivator.

I could really use some internally-sourced positive motivators right now. I'm sure this post will generate a lot of "You look greats!" "You are strong and amazings!" or stuff like that, and I appreciate those, I do. But those are external things, coming from people other than myself. I want to find something in my own brain, something that comes from my own emotions or intellect, to get me going. I just have no idea what that might be, or even where to look.

*Not that my parents would have had a clue how to encourage me in such things but check out this amazing ten-year-old power lifter. Watch the videos linked at the article. She is amazing.

I need to get on the stick (ar ar ar) and start learning about hockey if I'm going to follow through on my plan to watch it this year. This video provides some encouragement.


My phone is still MIA. I have to buy a new one. Suxxor. Since mckitterick and I both use CREDO wireless, I'm going to see if they can offer us a family plan with smartphones for not too terribly much. Cross your fingers.

The Avengers gag reel got leaked this week, and consumed my Tumblr dash. Which is fine. But it means I have a few images to share with you. ( Click for images )

In non-Avengers Tumblr news, here is the gif set of the "The rest of the world weeps when they lose the gold but Britain fucking rocks the bronze."

While he doesn't nearly inspire in me (er--yet) the obsession that Tom Hiddleston sparked, I'm becoming rather taken with Mr. Joseph Gordon-Levitt. This little clip of him singing and playing the guitar is what pushed me over from "he's very pretty and physically quite my type" to "oh dear, he's adorable."

I had to open the office at 7:30 this morning, so was only able to do 30 minutes of Crossfit this morning. Missed half the skill work and the entire WOD. Boo, hiss. If I have the energy tonight, I'll put up the TRX and do Monday's WOD again since I can do everything of that at home (ring rows, push-ups, squats). I might throw some sit-ups in there, too.

Yesterday afternoon I felt great after work. Awake and alert and awesome. It's too early to tell if the amped-up cortisol/adrenal supplements are helping or if it was just a fluke. Here's hoping it wasn't a fluke.

I took _luaineach's advice about the MyFoodDiary.com website. I'm pleased with it so far. It's so much easier to use than FitDay, and the food database search is magnitudes better. I'm glad I gave it a try--the findings were educational! I need to up my protein but stay in the same calorie range. I'm only getting around 110g of protein a day. For muscle-building (what I'm shooting for right now), I should be looking at about 135g of protein a day for my weight. I can't decrease my carbs. I've yet to get 100g of carbs on any day in the past four days. I range between 65 and 90 carb grams, and that's really trying to add in some carbs. So I gotta cut back on the fat. That's going to be tough. I have to restructure how I build meals, since I frequently rely on a dollop or two of mayonnaise for mouthfeel in several of my recipes.

Dang, I wish I could use a protein powder. That would make this easier. Being allergic to soy, eggs, and milk protein (casein, not lactose) pretty much nixes that as an option. Basically, I need is powdered meat and I don't think anyone makes that. Even if they did, I don't know if I could drink it. Ew. I guess I'm going to have to start eating (and making) beef jerky more often. There are worse things in the world.

Oh! And I'm going to try a day fast on Saturday, just to gear up for next week. This means I need to distract myself like WHOA that day. Errands! Dance practice! Sewing! Crafts!

Hives. Hives on the backs of my hands. Hives?

WTF.

I can't imagine what food might have caused this. I can only assume (and hope) they popped up from stress.

Another food to thoroughly and permanently cross off my list? Soy.

I cut out most soy products a long time ago. But I still had a bottle of wheat-free tamari lingering in the fridge and I figured how much damage could it do used as a marinade?

Well.

One marinaded pork dish later, my dress that was loose this morning is tight across my abdomen. Bloat city. And I can't breathe through my nose at all. My sinuses feel like they're trying to explode out my face. Also, so tired. Ugh. I fell dead asleep during my lunch break and was out cold for a good forty minutes.

Soy = Definite Allergen for me

Good to know!

I can breathe through my nose, my headache has lessened, and I have a productive cough, so hurray for the allergens clearing out of my system and hurray for mega-doses of antihistamines on top of the NMT treatment last week. Eyes are still itchy, and I am very tired. I need to remember to take allergy medication whether I think I need it or not starting a week before KCRF next year. Can someone please remind me? This is ass.

How swollen are my sinuses? We did tons of supported inverted poses in yoga last night and that was great for getting blood moving around that area, but it resulted in a few tiny popped capillaries on my face, right at the sinus pressure point on my right cheekbone. That's awesome. Thank god for foundation make-up.

I had my discussion with Dr. Burt about my lab results yesterday. Thyroid numbers were bad, bad, bad. So bad that even though I feel great on this dosage, I can't stay on it. I'm over-medicated to the point that my thyroid is basically just lying there, not producing anything on its own. I'm not certain why that is a bad thing, but apparently it is. So, down to a 75mg dose of the Armour--which of course, they don't make. So I have to take a 60mg and a 15mg tablet. This is, of course, more expensive than taking three 30mg tablets (90mg) every day.

Adding insult to injury, Dr. Burt was nearly forty-five minutes late seeing me. Then it took forever to hash out a course of action that I was comfortable accepting. My appointment was at 12:15, which should have given me plenty of time to meet with him, get home, and be at work by 1:00. I didn't get home from his office until nearly 2:00, and then I had to go wrangle with the pharmacy (once I pick up today's prescriptions, I am never using Watkin's pharmacy ever again). I called the office to tell them I wouldn't be going in at all that day, collapsed on the couch, and coughed for an hour while I tried to nap.

But now, I offer you some whine-free news!

Phil at Wild Man Vintage said he'd like to put my stuff up for sale. Bloomer and petticoat production will start in earnest as soon as my Cheeptrims order arrives. I'm looking forward to lots of sewing time. apocalypticbob mentioned how she'd recently indulged in some solitary time and I was all Dear God Yes. I wouldn't want to do it for a living, but I love the quiet focus and mindfulness I can achieve when working on a non-deadline sewing project. Much like when I'm dancing (and sometimes when I'm cooking), I feel like I am very present when sewing. It's a good feeling.

Our dishwasher is fixed. I think. I hope. It's been nearly a month since we've been able to use it, and that sucked major donkey balls. I am terribly spoiled and did not appreciate having to hand wash dishes. Especially during KCRF. Ugh. I ran it last night, though, and no problems.

Life with mckitterick continues to be awesome. He's very patient with my whining and my temper. And more patient with my incontinent cat than I am. Love.

When I woke up this morning, my first thought was "Am I hungover?" I felt wretched. I made my way downstairs (carefully!), found my phone, called in sick, crawled up the stairs (literally, on all fours), and went back to bed for another three hours.

Last night's bit of excess wine with excellent company might be a partial culprit, but good god, has anyone looked at the weed pollen allergy charts for today? Jesus. No wonder my sinuses feel like they're trying to ooze out my eyeballs. I'm sure yesterday's rain stirred up all sorts of mold stuff, too.

Of course, Mikell Adams's office is closed on Thursday, so no NMT booster shot for me today. I'm going to get in some serious neti pot action, though, and ask Kiva my wonderful acupuncturist if there's anything she can do to help with allergies at least for this weekend. I'll back that up with some of mckitterick's Claritins.

My last NMT treatment was (according to LJ tags), March of 2009. Pretty amazing. I can't believe that shit really works. But this little reminder of how I used to feel all the time in the spring and fall...wow. So glad this is a rare occurance now.

I think I might go lie down again.

I miss my old Grad Director. The new Grad Director and I like each other and we work well together, but my previous director (the one who stepped down just last year), well. If we'd met in college (not a chance--he's ten years older, and went to college in California), we'd have been drinking buddies, co-conspirators and comrades-in-arms. He gossiped with me for about twenty minutes this morning and it was great to dish the dirt. He also makes a mean martini.

When I visited my folks last week, Mommy showed me the results of her food allergy test. Did you know they have allergy tests they do now with drawn blood? No more scratch tests! Sign me up, baby. I made an appointment to go see my PCP about having this done for me. Mommy is allergic to a startling number of foods that I hadn't even considered eliminating (eggs, potatoes). I've had an increase in the number of G.I. issues this year. More food allergies for me, too, perhaps? Last night my abdomen was hard and swollen like a old man's beer belly even though all I'd eaten that day was coffee and cream, hummus, and carrots. I didn't eat dinner because I was so uncomfortable! I mean honestly. It's just silly. Mommy was whiny about not being able to eat a lot of things on her list (tomatoes, corn, milk, eggs, potatoes, wheat). I'd rather cut stuff from my diet and feel better overall than eat something that'll make me feel rotten except for the one moment I'm indulging. So anyway, depending on how those results turn out, I might have an even more restricted eating plan. Yay! Unfortunately, my appointment with the doctor isn't until April 16, and he might need to refer me to a specialist for the test. So. Waiting on that.

In the meantime, I'm going to try another cleanse. Um. Yay? Not excited about it at all because it is just so miserable-making (five freaking days of a restrictive liquid-only diet). But I felt so much better after I did it a couple years ago. I'm not going to start it until after I get my allergy blood tests, so I'm looking at possibly a couple weeks before I get some relief from feeling like a bloated tick all the time. Gross.

I must begin work on my costume for the ConQuesT masquerade. Must must must! What was I thinking, agreeing to organize the rest of mckitterick's Magic cards before beginning another sewing project. Poor planning, there.

Speaking of mckitterick, he and I went to KC with charmed_art, visiting guest lillianleitzel and new townie razorart to the Coterie's production of The Breakfast Club Live last night. It was funny and very charming. I recommend it. Most of the acting was really very good, although I had a few (minor!) gripes with some of the direction and pacing of certain scenes. Overall = worth the drive in and the $12 ticket price.

I'm still feeling worn thin emotionally. My trip to visit the parents wasn't as restorative as I'd hoped, and I went still raw from Jim's death...so yeah. It could have gone better. I'm not sure what I need to do to recharge my batteries right now. I could use another vacation, but there's no chance of that happening until after graduation. I'm thinking perhaps some heavy drinking and lots of laughing this weekend? Certainly can't hurt.

Here's hoping I'm not allergic to booze. Seriously. No, seriously.